seriously?

I was thinking how often we think of our crushes, significant others, and all in that fall in that category. We think about them all the time. We try to talk to them everyday. We think about spending time with them. And if things work out, we make time for them. We hold hypothetical conversations in our head to prepare ourselves..well I do..

But do we do the same for God?

Do we think about Him all the time? Do we try to talk to Him everyday? To spend time with Him? Do we MAKE time for Him? With God, we're actually with Him all the time. We're able to talk directly to Him anytime we want. No waiting. And it's so easy to talk to Him. We don't have to worry about whether or not He'll like us back. He freaking loves us. How much more could we ask for?

He does so much more for us than anyone in our lives. Do we give Him the time we should?

Not all that life changing.

Urbana Reflection Paper

I had high expectations pre-Urbana. Hearing many stories of how people "heard their calling at Urbana," caused me to believe the same would happen to me. I realized a day or two in that I shouldn't expect the same for myself. God works in ways that aren't the same for everyone. He knows each and every one of us individually, and has different plans for every one of us. Other than the aforementioned bit and the fact that worship is AMAZING, I didn't really have any other expectations.

With my bad habit of comparing myself to others, I became disappointed with my Urbana experience. I felt that those around me had gained much more than I had from Urbana, and for a while I put off writing my reflection paper. I felt that if I wrote everything down, I'd only be more disappointed. With the help of a friend, I was reminded that I shouldn't compare myself to others. I hoped for something big to happen in the span of December 27^th - January 1^st, with time to let everything sink in, I see that it was.

I was reminded of things I should do, but never or rarely did because of laziness or fear. I also learned new lessons and gained different perspectives. Many of us have become too comfortable with our way of life, whether it’s our attachment to temporary material goods or just staying within the walls of our comfort zones. We have jobs or parents who pay for all that we desire no matter how important or wasteful it is. We are sucked into consumerism and we conform to popular trends that change rapidly. We have the luxury of silencing the grumbling of our stomachs, often eating until we’ve exceeded way past our limit, and sometimes with food leftover that ends up in the trash. Living in New York, we encounter many homeless people daily, but we’ve even become accustomed to that tragedy.

One of the bigger issues that stood out to me was the small number of Christians in the world. In MY little world, the majority of the population was Christians and I was content. For those that weren’t, I’ve never had a great enough desire to tell them about Jesus; my fear of being ridiculed or rejected always kept my lips shut. About a month before Urbana, I bumped into Greg Jao at OCM. Having only heard him once, I didn’t even know who he was until he introduced himself. Within the short elevator ride from the lobby to the 6^th floor, we were able to discuss what school I went to and the fact that Fordham didn’t have InterVarsity. He quickly gave me his business card so that I could contact him in what I guess were hopes of planting a chapter at Fordham. The thought of starting IV was exciting, but once again my fears held me back. I knew I wanted to email him, but I was waiting for enough courage to build up inside of me. Urbana provided me with the courage and heart that outweighed my fears for once. With the majority of my non-Christian friends being school friends, I’m excited to see what God has planned ahead.

The more I think about it, the more I see Urbana as a period of "chiseling." It wasn't what I expected or hoped for, but it was what I needed. On Wednesday, I went to the Prayer Ministry Room. Again, I expected great things to happen – great, happy things. I wasn’t able to pray with Carolyn Carney, the woman everyone has raved about, but I took that as a sign from God that he had other plans. I prayed with Megan, and I came out with unmet expectations yet again. Instead of gaining a sense of closeness to Jesus, I was told that I was disconnected to Him. My heart dropped at Megan’s words, but I see now that it was good that I found out now rather than later. She gave me some time to pray alone, so that I could ask Jesus to show me why there was this gap between us. I felt Him telling me that I’ve been too insecure. I compare myself to others and care about what others think of me too much. He was telling me to let go of my fears and insecurities. To trust him and to find peace in knowing that He loves me no matter what. God also showed me the areas in my life where I’ve been slacking. I really enjoyed the morning “Let Scripture Speak” sessions and I learned so much every day, but when I’m alone at home I always find other things to consume my time. I’ve also lost sight of how important prayer is in strengthening my relationship with Him. God shed light on my weaknesses and I believe that God hasn’t revealed His plans for me because I’m not ready. Instead of showing me the end goal, he’s provided me with the next steps necessary to get there. He also gave me a heads up to be persistent and committed in whatever He has planned for me. No matter what it is, whether it is a long term mission or not, I need to stay for the long haul. In a way I’m glad I don’t know what exactly I want to do because it allows me to be faithfully flexible and open to change.