hope.

I've been struggling lately. The same feelings in (somewhat) new circumstances. Haven't really blogged in a while and I'm gonna try and make this quick cause I have work to do and I'm tired. I've been feeling this weight and urgency to write because I don't really have someone to talk to. Well not that I don't trust people, but more like I'm not the one that requests to talk and share my blarghs. I'm stupid. I'm insecure. I'm jealous. I'm proud. Actually there are some people I don't fully trust. It may be intentional or unintentional. Or some people I feel like won't understand or will judge me. Mixed feelings. I'm stubborn. I feel like I have to have this image of me that doesn't ask for help. Well this is my call for help.

For a bit over a year now I've been dealing with this regular pulse of insecurity and jealousy and pride. I've gone from angry and pissed off to just sad to just being or maybe just being seen as the bigger person and everything in between. I brought it up a few times probably because I was pushed to, but never expressed myself completely. I've doubted and I questioned. I've laughed it off and cried about it because I was hurt or just frustrated. I think I understand, maybe not. Guess this year has been the hardest for this situation. It's hard to admit it, but I've been jealous of you. I'm insecure because of you. I feel stupid because of you. But it hasn't been a consistent blargh haha that would've been bad. There were times I was happy or okay with it or maybe I was just in denial and ignored what was going on. I've been trying to hold on to the bigger picture which has been a huge help, but sometimes when it doesn't apply I just feel egh.

So I have and something else I don't even know if it's worth talking about. I don't know how to explain it without sounding like a naive stupid girl, haaaa! I don't know what brought it on, but I'm trying not to think about it. I have time. No worries.

"My fight is your fight"
YEAH. RIGHT.

blargh.

I guess you know you're doing something good when the devil tries to bring you down.

Intimacy.

Sort of got back to reading over the last week of my LAST WINTER BREAK! I'm not a big reader, but a part of me wishes! Anyway I started reading Daring To Draw Near over the summer but never finished it and picked it up again. I was reading the chapter on Job and intimacy and it was saying how people aim for intimacy, but end up with its counterfeit, familiarity. Here's a little excerpt..

"For intimacy involves a respectful listening and a respectful hearing. It also involves being humble enough to share the secrets of your heart, provided you know that in doing so you will help the one you share with and not burden him. We fail because we do not respect and do not reverence the handiwork of God in the person with whom we seek intimacy."

As I started to think about intimacy vs. familiarity in the relationships in my life the more I realized how true it is. I kind of pride myself in my listening..mainly cause I'm bad with advice/small talk/giving input etc etc. When I do have something to say I don't feel comfortable to come out and say it right away. I wait it out for an opportune moment and if that timing doesn't come, depending on the urgency of whatever I have to say I might just keep it to myself. Sometimes all I want to hear is "How are you doing?" and go beyond whatever answer I give. I'm afraid to be completely honest and to give an honest answer the first time around cause I'm scared of being a burden. akjsd;aiudelkxlkajhxieuyrcn. I forgot what I wanted to say. I'm tired.