what.

Friend, I held you so dear and near to my heart. I looked out for you and wanted to take care of you. Stupid me, I thought it was mutual. Since the summer, I started to feel skeptical. Felt really hurt. Got angry. Got sad. Tried to cling on. Time to move on. You're still maturing. Don't think that's any excuse. But I'm ready to cut off ties if needed. I've realized before that it hurts to be your friend because you're only ready to look out for yourself. But now, time's limited and in tougher times I can see who actually want to be there. Not because they can gain something from it, but because they love me. I'll miss you. Hope you miss me too.

It's set.

I am going to Korea in mid-January. Came home two weeks ago and found a letter for me. My background check was clear! What I expected to be a 3-4 month long process only took 1.5. Been slowly talking it out with my cousin and the latest I need to be there is January 20th. Which means the latest I can leave is January 18th. It's happening.

And I'm off to Pua in 5 days.

Crazy.

Didn't see myself going down this path. I thought I'd be NYC-bound for the most part, even if I've always wanted to travel, explore and discover.

F12.

I'm not sure if I'll ever grow out of it, but in my head, I still go by the school year more than I do the calendar year. I guess that might change, if I go to Korea in January. Anyway, here's to a NEW YEAR! My Fall 2012 schedule officially started today as my babysitting schedule picked up again after a summer lull.

Today was a pretty good day. Thank you Pops! Took me a while to wake up..one of those days you hear your alarm but it sounds so far away like in a dream. Day 8 of my devos. Working on being committed. Day 8 in 3 weeks. Got a happy text from a friend. That was :) one. There's someone I'm incredibly grateful for because he was such a big help in the past 4 years so I've been trying to get a gift for his hard work and support. After about two weeks, finally got his gift! And with a pretty good freaking deal. That was :) two. Whilst babysitting, I got a notification from someone unexpected. That was :) three. Got out of babysitting late and didn't get to go to Insanity, but I was pretty tired and hungry so twas nice coming home early to eat at home.

HOORAY.

Steps.

Uncertainty is sprinkled in all sorts of area of my life, but I feel like as I'm working on my application to Korea..as the possibility of spending an year there begins to sink in, this is something that God has called me to do. And it's something he's prepared me to do within the past 2-3 years, especially the last year. Yesterday, I got my fingerprints done and my diploma an apostille. Today, I sent in the documents needed to process my background info. I hear it takes months to get that done. I hope and pray it all gets done before January. That's pretty much all I need to wait for now. That, my diploma, and my resume and I am set.

And if I do go, that leaves me about 4 months left here. 4 months that includes 2 weeks in Thailand and about a week in Missouri for Urbana. Time seems short.

Steubenville, OH.

One small city. 3 teams from New York (~8hrs), Pennsylvania (~6hrs), and Wisconsin (~11hrs). 3 days of serving the community.

When I signed up for this trip, I knew at least one person really well, but plans changed. I agreed to go because my mentee was going and she needed a guardian. It was our church's first family STM and her parents couldn't go so my mentor thought it'd be a good opportunity for me to go as her mentor. I was happy to go with her and was happy to just go somewhere and serve somewhere new. I didn't know her much and figured, I'd have enough time from then and now to get to know her and be more comfortable with her. This was in the beginning of the calendar year I think. I did get to know her a little better, but not as much as I'd wanted.

As the months passed and the date of departure approached, I questioned whether I should go or not. I really wasn't in a good place. I was burned out and I was emotionally unhealthy. Very angry, frustrated and bitter. I didn't want to go serve with that attitude at the chance that it might negatively affect the team. At the same time I didn't want to back out because this was a commitment I made. And my frustration centered around one thing. Working with kids and youth still brought me joy and with this STM being a youth/family trip, I thought I'd be okay. While preparing, life just got busy so I slacked off, but towards the end, closer to the trip, I tried to pitch in whatever I could. And off I went.

The bigger picture. Come on, you should know this by now. God planned this trip to happen at this time ages ago. This less than a week trip was GOOD for me. I found some healing and peace and guidance. I found joy and encouragement and plenty of love. My joy in working with kids is strengthened. If anything, I may have grown fonder with working with teenagers - rather than toddlers. And I'm more confident as a leader - when working with youth that is.

Going in, I had little to no interaction with my teammates. Coming out, I've seen sides of them I never expected to see and probably wouldn't have. I was especially surprised by the adults I got to know. So I went as an adult leader, but was the only one that wasn't a parent of one of the kids. And being the youngest adult leader, not that much older than some of the youth on the other teams, I felt like I was a little bit of both during the trip which was pretty neat. I was happy to do what was expected of me and at the same time I was able to interact with the kids at a level different from the other adult leaders. I had the same responsibilities as the other adults and had their respect, but they also treated me as one of their own at times. It was a good balance between giving and receiving.

So there were three adults that I've grown to really admire and adore this past week. First off, JP! I've seen him around plenty at church, but never talked more than a simple hello and smile. I knew he was friendly, but didn't know to what extent until this week when I got to know him. He was the driver for the van I was placed in. I was a little worried about having an 8 hour drive with a car full of people I didn't know, but I figured I can sleep if anything. He had to go to the airport that morning to pick up the rental and emailed those in our car to meet at our spot from 8:45-9a. I got there a little past 8:45 and having no idea what the rental looked like, I just stood at the corner. Within a minute or two, he was there. He parked the car in front of a bus stop across the street and came out to help me with my bag. Raised and remained a gentlemen! Don't have enough of them these days. So he helped me carry my bag and put it in the trunk. We still had to wait for others so he suggested I sit up shotgun in the meantime. We made small talk while we waited. When the others arrived, I offered the other adult shotgun, but was a no go so I stayed there. As we started to drive, everyone pretty much fell asleep so I felt bad if I slept. As shotgun, I should be keeping the driver company so I tried my hardest to be engaging, but I just can't keep a conversation going past a certain point. I asked questions hoping they weren't out of line or awkward. He taught me the rules of the road. I dozed off a couple times but he was very forgiving. Then one of my fears came true. I really hoped with us following another car and having a GPS, I wouldn't have to navigate, but it happened. We were running past our intended time of reaching Steubenville and were rushing when we hit a traffic jam. Having never navigated and being behind schedule, I felt the pressure. I figured out how to read roadmaps on Google Maps somewhat and got us through, but once that was over I knocked out. I get motion sickness when reading in cars so once I didn't have to look at the map, I closed my eyes to fight off nausea and fell asleep. Anyway, just from the small snippets of conversation during our drive, I could tell he was very conscientious and knowledgeable. Which is AWESOME! It's something I really admire and strive for. He gave me driving tips, talked a lot about music and fixing things. Every obstacle we faced or were about to face, he had a plan B ready. During our short lunch break, I saw his kindness and how awesome he was with both adults and kids. And during the week, the way he's so flexible and willing to help out wherever needed was a good reminder.

There was also KC! This guy, I knew almost nothing about. We just said our hi's at our meetings and that's about it. But man, we got really comfortable with being ourselves this week. He's the type to pick on you and crack jokes which was great for opening up. And as the leader, he also took charge and organized what he had to. It was great to see him work out of his comfort zone to encourage the other leaders and kids to do the same. Even with all the jokes he cracked, I felt like he protected me at times. He gave me guidance throughout the week and took care of me like I was family. He brought so much joy and laughter to the team and always worked to unite us.

AF! I'm always so thrilled to get to know and have such great women of God in my life. Men too, but you'll always connect to your own gender a little better. She was such an encouragement with all your joy and energy and LOVE. She would always encourage the kids and myself with words of kindness. And she was vital in connecting our church with the other churches. Unlike many Asians, she was very vocal and bold, which was a great example for some of our girls.

These three individuals are blessings from God. It gives me hope and brought me healing to work with them and to get to know them. This trip is what I believe is the start of a great great relationship with each one of them. I really don't think I would've gotten to know them if I didn't go on this trip. I look forward to working with them again someway, somehow. I look forward to seeing them at church and instead of just saying hi, greeting them with big hugs. I need strong role models in my life. We all do. I haven't been doing a good job in leading, but working with them has reminded me. And the men especially. I feel like there's a lack of men willing to lead and help (especially with the youth), but these men gives the younger generation someone to look up to.

I had a main prayer request going to Ohio: that as I serve, I may find renewal and healing in my relationship with God. And He answered.

They said..

not to leave bitter or angry. But I don't know how I'll be able to do that.

shattered.

It's almost been a year and it seems like the only changes I've made is in getting worse. My goodness, woman, this is insane.

I had a very thoughtful conversation with some spiritual mentors and it helped me gain perspective. My goodness I've lost sight of so many things this past year. I think this past year has been one of the most challenging for my faith. I pushed myself away from God, not because I didn't think He wasn't good, but I tried to control things with my own hands. I didn't doubt that He was there, but at times I just felt so terrible about myself that I chose not to go to Him. Why would He want someone like me? I doubted my worth and I still do sometimes because I base my worth on other people and the outcome of things. I couldn't and still can't see how God could use me in my brokenness. I've grown so cynical, judgmental and bitter. HOW can He possibly use me at this point and time? But then I guess I'm doubting His power over my imperfections.

I've forgotten His mercy and grace. And because of that, I've been having SUCH a hard time extending that to others. Being burned out, I've been unable to love and forgive without forcing myself to try and we all know that's not genuine. I've taken some things very personally. And I've been burned by others, not only in serving, but by those I consider(ed) close to me. When I commit myself to those who are really close to me, I commit myself. I am loyal and at the end of the day I will put their needs over mine even if it hurts. I don't expect to be treated the same because I do what I do out of love for them. I don't do things to expect things back for myself, but when you say I'm as important to you as you're important to me then I start expecting things.

A few times, I felt burned this year by close friends in my life..like I was forgotten or replaced or like I just didn't make the cut to be considered important enough in their life to be there for me when I needed them. Naturally, I've always just immediately turned any feeling into anger and pushed it away. But the feeling of hurt still hasn't gone away and the hurt is turning into sadness. It's that insecure feeling of not being good enough. I guess I shouldn't expect it, but I'd like to be appreciated - beyond just words. You say one thing, but your actions say otherwise. You don't see how much I do for you. I feel like I'm losing at the end.

My burn out is borderline creeping into bitterness and I don't know what to do about it. All my weak attempts at filling myself have been unhelpful. I have these expectations which I've been confirmed are not always unreasonable, but my perspective needs to change. I need to be sure that I'm clear with others about my expectations. I need to be okay with failure because my definition of failure is probably different from God's definition. And I forget too easily that God still is in control of my failures and has the power to use it. I have to let go of this control.

I need to go back to God. God, I know You're there. But this downhill track I've been in this year was not in my plans. I was planning for something great and spectacular. My actions and thoughts haven't been Christlike and I don't see how I'd be in any shape setting a good example to others. I don't see how I could be a blessing to others. I want to know why I've been in such a downhill path. I want to see how God is using this.

I'm stuck in a rut. Don't worry, I don't like where I am either.

I could use some help.