After talking to a friend last night, I realized I had to do something. Anything. I've just been waiting and hoping I'll be able to understand my feelings from the once a week interactions. Which is really retarded since more than not, nothing can possibly come out of just waiting. I have been trying to try that for a while now but I always chickened out. And I told myself last night to try harder since this kind of behavior is so typical of me. I "like" someone but never do anything about it so the guy probably doesn't even know I was ever interested in him. It's not that I think about the "what if" but I'm just more mad at myself for always being such a wuss. Cause that really is so unlike me. I'm loud when I'm with friends. I don't just sit there quietly waiting for you to come and talk to me.
So I decided to i/m him today. The thing is I don't have his screenname.. I got it off Facebook. And since I didn't get it from him directly, I was a bit iffy about it. Felt a bit of a creepy creep..but it's only cause I think I might like him. If it was a friend I would do it without any second thoughts. Now I told another friend about i/ming him. And this friend asked me if the guy I think I might like asked me where I got his screenname from. He did not. This is apparently a good thing. It is a good thing either cause 1. He is glad I got his screenname off of wherever I got it from. or 2. He hasn't looked into it so I haven't really made an impression on him and therefore he doesn't mind talking to me or he doesn't not like me. Anyway talking to him is not that interesting. Our conversation is very on and off..and slow. Like we're both distracted.
I was gonna go somewhere else with this but I can't seem to remember. I'd rather get my butt to bed rather than sit and try and remember. Good Night.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sing me a lullaby won't you..?
So I can't sleep. Had a real hard time last night as well. I'd like to say it was cause of that half an hour nap I took at 9pm, but in all honesty that had nothing to do with it. I couldn't stop thinking. I was passed out on my ass exhausted. But after my getting ready to sleep routine my brain started up and I couldn't stop thinking. I turned on the radio hoping that would keep my head distracted, but nothing. My thinking woke me up like an internal cup of coffee. And I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from it again today.
I like these moments cause I get to really reflect, but it'd be helpful if I had someone to reflect with. I feel myself panicking again. I feel distant with myself. Why am I having such a hard time figuring out what it is I'm feeling? I feel like it's the one thing I should be able to do right? But at the same time no it's one of the hardest things to do.
So here's the situation going down in my head.
The Problem lies all in this one simple yet difficult question: Do I like him? And why does this matter? This is the main source of all my thinking the past couple weeks. Say if I know I don't like him. Great! I can be able to be myself around him. I don't have to be afraid to be myself - which I shouldn't be even if I did like him, but it would make the task a whole lot easier - and I can go up to him and talk to him. If I do like him..Great! I can finally admit to it. I can then move on from then and try to lure him ahahaha no just kidding. But I can be aware of my actions and motives. I feel so lost in the middle. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? Either way it's just hard talking to him in person. Which is totally the opposite of what I stand for. I am a very vocal person. I talk! I scream! Why oh why can I not do this simple task. I'm just mad now.
I like these moments cause I get to really reflect, but it'd be helpful if I had someone to reflect with. I feel myself panicking again. I feel distant with myself. Why am I having such a hard time figuring out what it is I'm feeling? I feel like it's the one thing I should be able to do right? But at the same time no it's one of the hardest things to do.
So here's the situation going down in my head.
The Problem lies all in this one simple yet difficult question: Do I like him? And why does this matter? This is the main source of all my thinking the past couple weeks. Say if I know I don't like him. Great! I can be able to be myself around him. I don't have to be afraid to be myself - which I shouldn't be even if I did like him, but it would make the task a whole lot easier - and I can go up to him and talk to him. If I do like him..Great! I can finally admit to it. I can then move on from then and try to lure him ahahaha no just kidding. But I can be aware of my actions and motives. I feel so lost in the middle. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? Either way it's just hard talking to him in person. Which is totally the opposite of what I stand for. I am a very vocal person. I talk! I scream! Why oh why can I not do this simple task. I'm just mad now.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I think..I think I like him. ha. ha. maybe?
Honestly, I know I don't like him. But it's so close to it..I can feel it! Or do I? It's hard to say..
I get the same feeling I usually get when I like someone. I get anxious when I'm about to see him. When I am actually in front of him I have this sudden inability to talk. And I can't approach him cause I'm too shy. I feel my cheeks get all red and hot. When we finally are in each others circle of communication I suddenly forget whatever I wanted to say..whatever I had planned in my head during the week. HA! Epic fail.
So again..due to my fear..I've been trying to reason with my scared self and my wanting to be with him self. For the most part, my scared self has been winning every time. So let me lay it out.
My scared self: 1. If it's meant to be it'll happen. 2. He's the guy, he should initiate a conversation first! 3. Why isn't he talking to me?! He doesn't like me.. :( ah well I never liked him! 4. This is who I am..I shouldn't change it just to maybe be with him (I'm not big on small talk I think it's fake most of the time)
My wanting to be with him self: 1. TALK TO HIM TALK TO HIM TALK TO HIM! 2. Come on you're yourself online just BE YOURSELF NOW. 3. Just pretend you don't like him..you totally don't as of now so why is it so weird? 4. You can't be shy forever..and you aren't really shy anyway. JUST BE YOURSELF. 5. If you don't talk to him you'll never get the chance to know him and he'll never get the chance to know you. Talking online won't always be a possibility. If you don't do this it's gonna be another failure..another reminder of when you didn't try hard enough.
Gosh it's so hard! I'm afraid he'll get the feeling that I DON'T like him just cause I only talk to him online. And I talk to pretty much EVERYONE else except him....except for those two sentence awkward sentences. ah. ha. ha.. Unless he knows I like him or has an idea I like him and that by me not talking to him is just me being shy. I need to try harder. I always say I will, but I always chicken out. WHAT A WUSS!
And for some reason it's so difficult to talk to him cause my friends are there. Isn't that really weird? Knowing that they know I like him and knowing they're watching me trying to hit up a conversation with him gets me really really shy and self conscious. And since they're close with each other they don't even have to be next to each other talking to be talking about me talking to him. The other day he came to sit next to me and I saw my friends give a glance at each other and then at him sitting next to me. And when I saw that I started freaking out a bit like my goodness it's like I'm on stage and EVERYONE is staring at me!
I need help.
I get the same feeling I usually get when I like someone. I get anxious when I'm about to see him. When I am actually in front of him I have this sudden inability to talk. And I can't approach him cause I'm too shy. I feel my cheeks get all red and hot. When we finally are in each others circle of communication I suddenly forget whatever I wanted to say..whatever I had planned in my head during the week. HA! Epic fail.
So again..due to my fear..I've been trying to reason with my scared self and my wanting to be with him self. For the most part, my scared self has been winning every time. So let me lay it out.
My scared self: 1. If it's meant to be it'll happen. 2. He's the guy, he should initiate a conversation first! 3. Why isn't he talking to me?! He doesn't like me.. :( ah well I never liked him! 4. This is who I am..I shouldn't change it just to maybe be with him (I'm not big on small talk I think it's fake most of the time)
My wanting to be with him self: 1. TALK TO HIM TALK TO HIM TALK TO HIM! 2. Come on you're yourself online just BE YOURSELF NOW. 3. Just pretend you don't like him..you totally don't as of now so why is it so weird? 4. You can't be shy forever..and you aren't really shy anyway. JUST BE YOURSELF. 5. If you don't talk to him you'll never get the chance to know him and he'll never get the chance to know you. Talking online won't always be a possibility. If you don't do this it's gonna be another failure..another reminder of when you didn't try hard enough.
Gosh it's so hard! I'm afraid he'll get the feeling that I DON'T like him just cause I only talk to him online. And I talk to pretty much EVERYONE else except him....except for those two sentence awkward sentences. ah. ha. ha.. Unless he knows I like him or has an idea I like him and that by me not talking to him is just me being shy. I need to try harder. I always say I will, but I always chicken out. WHAT A WUSS!
And for some reason it's so difficult to talk to him cause my friends are there. Isn't that really weird? Knowing that they know I like him and knowing they're watching me trying to hit up a conversation with him gets me really really shy and self conscious. And since they're close with each other they don't even have to be next to each other talking to be talking about me talking to him. The other day he came to sit next to me and I saw my friends give a glance at each other and then at him sitting next to me. And when I saw that I started freaking out a bit like my goodness it's like I'm on stage and EVERYONE is staring at me!
I need help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)