Having a hard time calming myself enough to go to sleep.

through moments of freaking out and stress. through tears and anger. through the breaking and mending of relationships. God, I am learning to trust you.

Hi, I need help. Help figuring it out, help doing everything, help taking care of myself.

what. is happening.

I was talking to her about being an emotional noob. I don't know what to do. I can't handle this.

About time!

It's all coming back. I want to and enjoy praying again. I want to read the Bible again. Thank you God.

hindsight.

You would see things clearer if you stepped back and stopped looking only at yourself.

One of those.

Can't really sleep. I'm tired, but I don't want to? I don't know why I don't want to. This usually happens in the summer..well when there's no school. Maybe I just like to sit and think to myself. Don't really get to do that during the day. Guess this is my introverted self coming out.

The longer I sit here, the more I think about things. Lots of different things.

SCHOOL. I am done with it for as long as I can see. Man, I really did not enjoy my time in college. I think choosing to go where I went is one of my biggest regrets. If you ask me why I chose to go there, I can't even tell you. I don't think I've made any lasting relationships. Because of facebook, I semi know what's going on with them and I see that they hang out. I sometimes get invited, but a lot of the times I don't since they usually hang out when I have church. And I am okay with it. And thinking about where to apply for jobs, I'm even more unsatisfied because I no longer want to pursue something in my major. I feel like it was a waste. I really regret not going away for college and getting the dorming experience. Or even going to a CUNY, saving money, and going to a school with friends. But at the same time, I know that without going there, I wouldn't be here right now. And even if I was, things would be plenty different. I need to remind myself that if I hadn't stayed in the city, I probably wouldn't have had that chance to start coming to this church because I wouldn't have talked to that friend, and I might just be at my family church.

Which brings me to just that. FAM. CHURCH. When I have time, or even when I don't, I love looking through my Facebook pictures. You can tell a lot about me from the pictures and about where I was at the time the picture was taken. So for the umpteenth time, I looked through my profile pictures and I noticed the change of people in my profile pictures. Only..2 years ago, my family church was the BIG thing in my life. I loved seeing them and spending time with them and couldn't get enough of them. I remember one time I even asked myself "When will I get tired of seeing them so often? Will I even reach that point?" And yes, I did. Not that I stopped enjoying my time with them, but something else supplanted them. Over the past two years, I changed. I went through a phase of keeping them as a priority, then trying my best to keep a balance, frustration, disappointment, sadness, anger, apathy, doing the bare minimum. There were times when I wanted to leave. Not because of the people, but because I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of it. But why should I expect something? I should be thinking about what I can give. I've wanted to serve, to change things, but when I saw a lack of response and willingness to change, to put in more time and effort, I became careless. I stopped caring. But what about the kids? I occasionally think about them, and how they need so much more than they're being given now. They need to be challenged. But where's the support? Are they supposed to be forced to do activities until they just start enjoying it? I am really excited and scared for the missions trip in August. Excited to serve and to serve with the kids and "peers." Excited to be exposed and to serve as an example. Fearful that I won't be that model I want to be. That I won't be able to handle it. Scared that even those above me will serve as poor examples which will greatly influence and negatively impact the attitude of the kids. Wow, I need to pray more. And I need to start planning and preparing for this.

THIS CHURCH. I love it here. Sure, there are plenty of challenges, but these challenges are something I enjoy tackling. I enjoy being able to serve. I love being able to serve and help others. I look at JM and think "I want to be like that!" I learn about my strengths and weaknesses by serving. This past week, I realized how NOT flexible I am. I realized how uncomfortable I am with leading. As a leader you're expected to take charge and make decisions when things are iffy. And as a leader you're probably gonna be the one to take the heat when people are not pleased. Things happened and I wasn't able to make decisions and people expressed their dissatisfaction and I became very pent up, frustrated, and disappointed with myself. When there were last minute changes, I became frustrated again and couldn't readjust myself to the changes. I'm also a people pleaser, and it's very hard and sometimes impossible to please everyone. And when I'm unable to please everyone or when I'm aware that someone's upset, I internalize it. As the new year approaches and we transition to the new leaders, I'm very excited to see where we go. I have high hopes! But I'm also scared. There's this feeling inside my throat and somewhere in my heart that I can't express..I don't know if it's a good feeling or bad, but there's something there. I feel like I'm gonna face a lot of heat and upsetion and experience lots of moments where I feel like I'm being torn in two different directions as I take a bigger role here and probably become less present at my FAM CHURCH. My mom's going to be upset. I need to talk to her. God, please give me wisdom and courage.

WHAT'S NEXT? I don't know! I haven't been applying to jobs. It's a combination of laziness and fear of settling. I don't want just any job. I don't want to end up having a job I dread going to everyday, only so I have a steady income. I want to ENJOY what I do! But now that I have no idea as to what I want to do, I don't know what jobs to look for. I don't want to just look for any job and then end up staying there because I lose sight of what I want. Graphic Design..do I not want to pursue it because I really don't or because I don't want to put in the effort? I was talking to someone and she phrased it perfectly..let me try to remember what she said. "I never felt like I was REALLY GREAT at something. There are things I'm good at and enjoy, but it's not something I have a passion for. With passion, you will work through and put up with anything you have to get there." I'm not willing to do all the work for graphic design. So..WHAT IS MY PASSION?? I don't know anymore. I would love to work with animals, but without doing the whole science thing. Is that possible? I want to work with and help animals. Rescue them and help heal them - not so much physically (cause that requires science), but their mental and emotional health.

I think this is gonna help me sleep!

again

Eh I'm tired. I want to stop trying..well I want to stop trying to try haha. It's too "hard." I don't know what to do. It's just really hard to overcome my fear. I'm waiting for a sign or a nudge, but without that it's really hard to initiate. I guess I can look at it like I should try first, but I'm too scared. I's tired. And disappointed. And just want to run away. What do I do? I realized yesterday, that I never really prayed about this. So I guess I'll start. I don't want to waste time. And end up hurting my emotions. But I don't want another again.

what happened

I remember back in high school and freshmen year in college, when all I wanted to do is spend time with you guys. I LOVED it and it was something I really looked forward to. Not so much now, but I really really enjoyed today. It was good.

balabalaBADUM!

Just kidding. I'm just a fickle minded fool. Oh YES, I said it. BALABALA BADUM! Seriously, I'm good now haha. Maybe I do have an off button. Or it wasn't serious. Or God helped me. :)

FREAKING.A.

FREAKING A. I'm annoyed. No one likes to feel down in the dumps. When I feel sad, I turn it into anger. Not good. But it's how I cope. I need a new coping mechanism. God, I need help.

Question. blargh.

How do I know I'm trusting God when I feel like I'm not doing anything? There's such a thin line between trusting God/not worrying and using that as an excuse to be lazy, ya know?

release. blaaaargh.

I was having a semi panic attack last night. Well not even..I was just really confused and my mind was running sprints and I couldn't contain my thoughts so I was all over the place. I really wanted someone to talk to, but it was 2 in the morning and at the same time I didn't want to tell anyone what I was thinking. I feel much better now, but still confused.

So I was reading PDL and one of the chapter's reflection question really caught my attention. What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? How has God tested me? For the a while now, I've been tight financially. I believe since December, I haven't been able to pay off my credit card bill on my own. For 3 months I asked my mom for some money to help pay and last month I asked my brother. I STILL have a hard time budgeting my finances! It's a pain. I spend my money on MetroCard, sponsoring people, gifts and food. I barely eat out anymore - it's usually for when I spend time with people outside of fellowship and I think that's important. During this time, I realized how much pressure and stress people must feel..people who have families and children to take care of. I try not to use the word "broke" because I'm sure there are people out there that feel more broke(n) than me. I now see how blessed I am to have family to support me. I also have friends who are kind enough, generous enough, loving enough to spot for me as well. I still feel uncomfortable asking friends for money unless I'm really desperate because I was taught not to do that when I was growing up. I'm all for spotting my friends when they need, but for me to do that is a bit unsettling unless I'm super close to you. I've gotten a bit better at letting others help me financially. I guess it's cause it makes me feel so vulnerable? And I'm afraid I won't be able to pay people back in a timely manner. Having to owe someone something makes me antsy. I was talking to a friend about it because one time he said he would've bought me lunch and I told him I wouldn't have let him. Later on we started talking about his job and he said something like "I think it's hard talking to friends about money" and we went back to the subject of letting him spot me and he asked me if I would spot him if he needed it. I told him of course I would - so my inconsistency confused him I guess. I went off on a tangent, but the point I was trying to make was that no matter how bad I was doing financially, it made me realize that God would provide for me. Through family and through friends.

I was also confused about what to do after graduation. I really want to go on missions. I don't want to work. Well if I did work, I would want to do graphic design with an organization that works for a greater cause like social justice. And somewhere where where so much experience is required - I still have a lot to learn and want to be in an environment that helps me do that. As much as I don't want to work, I know I'm going to have to face it in order to pay for student loans. And also for missions. I was talking to my mentor about all of this and when we talked about my financial worries, she reminded me that if God wants it, it'll happen! There are instances of people who fundraised more than enough for missions trip and that gave me hope. And it reminded me how little faith I had. I feel like the past couple months have been a glance into what my life could be like if I did go into missions. No need to fear! God will provide!

Out of the loop.

At times like this I feel lonely. I'm planning on breaking night or staying up as late as I have to in order to finish my assignment tonight. It's due Wednesday, but I don't want to be up all night the day before and I have a lot more stuff going on Wednesday so I don't want to be super tired. Especially since I'll be working and have class. Tomorrow will be more laid back and I'll be doing things will make me less likely to fall asleep. Volunteer, hopefully print out my assignment and get it all nice looking, take a nap hopefully, meet with my mentor, take a nap hopefully, yoga, go home. Normally, I would be chatting with friends or just on facebook - whatever to keep me connected to the outside world, ya know? And this week's ACT:S challenges us to be helpless. I was having a hard time thinking of what I can give up and got some help from my SG. Starting tonight until Sunday night, I'll be giving up my phone. I don't text too much, but when I do it have conversation with a friend it makes me happy. It's today's version of a one on one conversation. I rarely call people - only my mom to tell her when I'm going home - so that's okay, but just not having that option makes me antsy. Even not having my mom know when I'm going home makes me antsy. Usually it's the moms that worry, but I have this fear of not getting home safely so I call my mom as I'm leaving school or wherever, so she knows when to expect me. And if I don't make it in a timely manner, then she knows something's up. That's just me.

Man we are TOO hooked to our technology. Imagine if we were all this HOOKED on God? God, I'm gonna need you a lot this week.

Pick me up.

Like any other break, this last one was filled with procrastination which is REALLY stupid of me since I have a big project due Wednesday and I don't have a lot done for it. And one for Thursday and a paper for next Monday which was given like the 2nd week of the semester. I'm not worrying about those yet cause Wednesday is the most immediate. I suck at waking up early to do work, I rather stay up late and wake up when I have to instead. But I thought I'd try it today so I went to sleep kind of early and was supposed to wake up around 6. Woke up around 7:30 and while taking my poop I was debating on whether I should sleep a bit more or just start working. I decided to sleep for another hour, but ended up sleeping for two. I just woke up really down and in the dumps. I failed. I'm trying not to worry cause I don't think God wants me to fail in my last semester, but every once in a while I have a mini panic attack. I kept telling myself 10 minutes ago that I need a pick me up. Writing out my thoughts helped! Man, my hormones are off the walls. I was watching Harry Potter yesterday and I felt like tearing in some not so emotional parts. Oh dear.

Little by little.

I was incredibly annoyed and frustrated Sunday. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it because either I wasn't close to or I didn't trust anyone to that extent. Well except my brother, but he was at work. And we don't really talk talk, but it's definitely gotten better. We've started to tell each other problems any problems we have - mainly dealing with family or church since we don't know each others business in other areas..and we're not at that point where we introduce other parts of our lives haha. We're okay with not telling each other that stuff cause we have friends in those other areas that already know the situation. So anyway Sunday night, after my brother got home from work, I just told him I was super alksjdlakjsdlaksjd. He was asking me what happened, but he had to go ddong and I went to sleep so our conversation ended there. I was bummed that it ended so short, but I didn't want to force it and I was tired. But Monday he asked me about it again and wanted to know what happened. I told him, he shared his thoughts and observations. He brought it up tonight, but not only did we talk. HE GAVE ME ADVICE! We're moving on up! Little by little!

oh. my.

I need a change of attitude. From the inside out.

pop.

I've been feeling very unlike myself. I'm having a hard time saying/feeling things I used to say/feel. I am timid in situations I used to be so comfortable, in situations I used to look forward to. I've become pretty impatient and easily annoyed. I'm not driven anymore. I'm scattered. I haven't lost hope, but I'm less hopeful. I've been settling. I'm (more) easily discouraged. I've become greedy and selfish. I've been struggling with being judgmental.

I need time to recuperate. Some time to reflect and gather my thoughts on who I am, what I'm doing, what I want to do, what I should do. My goals and my dreams. My passion? I've been listening to Jaeson Ma's "Love" and Switchfoot's "Your Love Is A Song" trying to remind myself what love is. I need a break. I need to make time for God. I need some silence. I feel like the bubble that's been popped and I'm just losing myself.

NTS and all you out there

“Your talent and giftedness as a leader have the potential to take you farther than your character can sustain you. That ought to scare you. The fact that people choose to follow you is not necessarily an indicator that you deserve to be followed. There is a significant difference between having a following and being worth following. The truth is that talented, charismatic, visionary people will almost always have a following. Whether they are worth following is a different question, predicated upon a different set of values.

There is always the temptation to look at someone and judge the amount of God’s blessing upon his life based upon the number of people who have chosen to follow him. But if numbers tell the whole story, we would have to assume that God removed His blessing from Jesus toward the end of His ministry! In the weeks prior to His crucifixion the crowds began to wane. In the end there were only a handful of faithful men and women who dared to be associated with Him. Followship is not an accurate indicator of one’s worthiness to be followed.

To become a leader worth following, you must give time and attention to the inner man. To leave a legacy that goes beyond accomplishment alone, a leader must devote himself to the matters of the heart.”

-Andy Stanley, The Next Generation Leader

hope.

I've been struggling lately. The same feelings in (somewhat) new circumstances. Haven't really blogged in a while and I'm gonna try and make this quick cause I have work to do and I'm tired. I've been feeling this weight and urgency to write because I don't really have someone to talk to. Well not that I don't trust people, but more like I'm not the one that requests to talk and share my blarghs. I'm stupid. I'm insecure. I'm jealous. I'm proud. Actually there are some people I don't fully trust. It may be intentional or unintentional. Or some people I feel like won't understand or will judge me. Mixed feelings. I'm stubborn. I feel like I have to have this image of me that doesn't ask for help. Well this is my call for help.

For a bit over a year now I've been dealing with this regular pulse of insecurity and jealousy and pride. I've gone from angry and pissed off to just sad to just being or maybe just being seen as the bigger person and everything in between. I brought it up a few times probably because I was pushed to, but never expressed myself completely. I've doubted and I questioned. I've laughed it off and cried about it because I was hurt or just frustrated. I think I understand, maybe not. Guess this year has been the hardest for this situation. It's hard to admit it, but I've been jealous of you. I'm insecure because of you. I feel stupid because of you. But it hasn't been a consistent blargh haha that would've been bad. There were times I was happy or okay with it or maybe I was just in denial and ignored what was going on. I've been trying to hold on to the bigger picture which has been a huge help, but sometimes when it doesn't apply I just feel egh.

So I have and something else I don't even know if it's worth talking about. I don't know how to explain it without sounding like a naive stupid girl, haaaa! I don't know what brought it on, but I'm trying not to think about it. I have time. No worries.

"My fight is your fight"
YEAH. RIGHT.

blargh.

I guess you know you're doing something good when the devil tries to bring you down.

Intimacy.

Sort of got back to reading over the last week of my LAST WINTER BREAK! I'm not a big reader, but a part of me wishes! Anyway I started reading Daring To Draw Near over the summer but never finished it and picked it up again. I was reading the chapter on Job and intimacy and it was saying how people aim for intimacy, but end up with its counterfeit, familiarity. Here's a little excerpt..

"For intimacy involves a respectful listening and a respectful hearing. It also involves being humble enough to share the secrets of your heart, provided you know that in doing so you will help the one you share with and not burden him. We fail because we do not respect and do not reverence the handiwork of God in the person with whom we seek intimacy."

As I started to think about intimacy vs. familiarity in the relationships in my life the more I realized how true it is. I kind of pride myself in my listening..mainly cause I'm bad with advice/small talk/giving input etc etc. When I do have something to say I don't feel comfortable to come out and say it right away. I wait it out for an opportune moment and if that timing doesn't come, depending on the urgency of whatever I have to say I might just keep it to myself. Sometimes all I want to hear is "How are you doing?" and go beyond whatever answer I give. I'm afraid to be completely honest and to give an honest answer the first time around cause I'm scared of being a burden. akjsd;aiudelkxlkajhxieuyrcn. I forgot what I wanted to say. I'm tired.