You were throwing pebbles.

It's a love story baby just say "yes."

My love of chick flicks has blurred my perspective on reality and I got carried away. While I was brushing my teeth this morning I started thinking about philosophy and whatever I learned about pleasure. I forgot who said what but there was something about pleasure and the need to constantly reach a higher pleasure. Like after each expectation is met, you need something better after that to reach a new level of satisfaction.

So here's how it all went down. "Oh snaps he wrote on my wall!" then "He called me!" "Oh maan we're talking on AIM" to "OH CRAP he i/med me!" to "We're gonna hangout. Awesome!" to "Woo! He texted me!" to "YAY he said good night" to "Hug!" to "Lunch! And he paid!" A lot of the things he does is not worth noting cause he's just a nice guy and it's just him being him. Sucks. Nice guys..they cause trouble ha ha ha..

I got carried away by my chick flicks and overly dramatic shows that I thought it would happen to me. Ha. Ha. Just have to keep reminding myself.

So now it got me thinking. How does a nice guy show a girl that he's being more than nice?

What a blur.

I haven't been writing cause I haven't been thinking. Which is good I guess.
I've been having a hard time figuring out what to do..in general. A big thing this week was talking to a friend to get advice on some boy things. I always feel weird to go to a friend to tell them my situation because if I do I just feel like I'm talking about myself too much. And that my friend will think that I only go to him/her to talk out my problems..and that I don't care about the problems they have in their life. I feel very full of myself. But at the same time if I don't and my friend finds out, I'm afraid he/she will think I am leaving her out of my life. And he/she will think I don't trust the person or don't think of him/her as an important part of my life. I used to wait for them to ask but that didn't always work out and so I've been trying to find a balance. But it's hard to figure out what exactly is the middle ground.

I've also been having a hard time opening up to people and/or letting them in. I'm a strong believer in having a small group of close friends as opposed to being ultra popular with 9834902637 friends. I'm one of those people that defriend people on Facebook if we never really talk in person and on Facebook. And I have a hard time spreading the love. So in my mind I think that if I let more people in I'm going to have to let some people out. Weird yeah..and I don't want to be unloyal so lately I've just been building walls I guess you can put it that way. I need to find a way to let my love flow freely. I want to touch everyone I meet with this loving lovely love. For the most part I'm very easily able to let people in. Just as long as you ask I will answer honestly. But if I'm the one who has to decide to let you in that's kind of a different story..for the reasons just listed.
*Correction..sorry I realized I completely contradicted myself. Um I have a hard time letting people in if they are new. If I know the person and you ask me personal questions I am good with letting you in. Depending on the situation I won't always be the one to tell people voluntarily. But if for some reason they ask I will answer it honestly. Does that make sense?

Uhm it's been a month and a halfish? Still don't know what is going on. I feel like I'm on a long and pretty slow journey. I recently started to enjoy this phase cause I started thinking of "what ifs". It will sound very lame and very corny and full of false hope but what if this is our beginning phase? I don't want it to just go by without me realizing. So I will enjoy this however way it ends. Uhm I've made steps to improve and further my getting to know him. Slowly working on it haha I just wish I knew what he was thinking. It's so hard to tell what his motives are cause he's a fairly nice guy. So is he just being nice and treating me like another friend? Orrrrrrrrrrrr? Hard to say. And I'm trying to keep my hopes and all my emotions in a bag. So when I got a hug from him I didn't let any of my emotions surface. So I can't really say how it made me feel. Hm. Hard to say. I'm just trying to get to know him. And I'm just constantly reminding myself to be myself.

Blurred, Busted, Bursting.

Funny. The feeling did not even last a day. I have finally accepted my bitterness I think. I am almost fine. I put the feeling on hold for the time being. My bitterness is overpowering my ability to think straight and process things reasonably. By now I usually ignore the source of the problem in order to be okay. I don't know if I'll be seeing him today, but if I do my current mood should give me what I need to talk to him, ha! And we'll see how it goes from there. But I don't know if he's going today since he wants to go to some show. Which I also want to go to but decided not to cause of my usual Friday plans. I feel like I should have taken the initiative to say "Let's go together" but I felt that would be too forward. And him not asking me got me all :( But with my usual Friday plans I don't really feel like going either. And it's not because he might not go! The usual people I go with aren't going and that scares me. I don't want to face all these new people by myself. At the same time I don't not want to go cause of my fear you know? I should grow up and man up! But the last time that happened I was a bit bummed..so it adds on to my not wanting to go.

I am a bit ticked with a friend of mine. I will name the friend "A" for obvious reasons. As much as I am ticked with A I feel I don't have the right to be. I am ticked because A has been MIA and A hasn't been trying to be there for me. But it's been like this for a while now and I haven't really been there for A either. We are both busy people so if we have something to say we just usually tell each other. We don't ask each other what's up. You know? And I haven't been seeing A regularly and I sort of just got used to it. I would ask A to hang out but more than not A was unable to.Now I feel myself getting jealous because A makes time to see other folks, but not me.

Uninvest.

I know nothing ever really happened. But I feel very bitter about whatever I gave to this very unrealistic likeness I am feeling. I guess with nice guys you can never really tell if they're interested or if they're just being plain ol nice. I'm just in a bad mood maybe cause of the craptastic weather, but I'm struggling with myself. I can't seem to let this go. I AM PISSED. I look in the mirror and I yell at myself. SERIOUSLY?! You broke your period of "I'm happy to be single and don't want anything else" for THIS? To be indirectly rejected?! AGAIN?! Haha phrasing it like that makes it a bit funny, but it's exactly what I'm feeling. I feel like it's just the devil killing my mood. Cause I've been pretty happy and I've been reading the Bible regularly. And I've been enjoying going to Bible Study and I've been looking forward to it every week. And now I can't think of anything else but this crappy situation. Or maybe this is what God wants. Cause I've been looking forward to Bible Study just to see him and not Him.

On another note. Before I thought of this fella (fella #1) I had this dream about another fella (fella #2). Really random cause I did not know fella #2 like at all. Just met him actually. And I tend to overthink my dreams. Well in the dream I like another fella (fella #3) who I also do not know at all and he liked me back. But a friend of mine thought he was cute and although she didn't like fella #3 I just did not want to go there. He kept asking me out, but I said no but didn't mention my friend. Anyway he was walking directly ahead of me and he suddenly changes into fella #2 and kisses me. Even though this is only a dream I woke up thinking WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! Anyway the next time I saw him it was a bit of a special occasion. The girls were setting up a dinner sort of thing for the guys. And at the end the girls had little poster cards for each guy and I didn't really know anyone so I was randomly given any guy's card. And I got fella #2's card so I just thought to myself "huh..interesting.." And then the week after he offered a ride home cause we both live in the same area. But there was another person so it wasn't weird. And a couple weeks later he i/ms me and says something along the lines of "It sucks when someone doesn't like you..at least the way you want them to." I ask him if he's talking about someone in particular but he changes the subject which is not unusual cause he skips around a lot in a given conversation. Then later he says "I'm different. I stray from the norm. You're different. Which leads into what I'm about to say..." And I think to myself is he gonna say he likes me or something but is doesn't think that I don't see him that way? But I just play clueless and he changes the subject.. I tend to get quite uncomfortable quite easily but I didn't wanna things to be that way cause he's a nice guy. And he's been really supportive with certain things even though I just met him. Back to the present. I haven't seen him in maybe 2 weeks? And he i/ms me the other day about going to a concert cause his friend had an extra ticket for a good price. And I'm thinking is he expecting me to go with him like just the two of us? But a friend of mine was also going and she offered to hangout with us but she thinks he's a bit out there so she was hesitant. In the end the extra ticket his friend had went away. I don't want things to be like that! We're supposed to be there for each other to develop fellowship. But he's being labeled as socially awkward. I don't want cliques and I don't wanna be encouraging or supporting that kind of behavior. Then yesterday he i/ms me randomly again asking me what dentist I go to. I tell him I haven't been to one in maybe 7+ years ..bad I know. But my mom does not see regular checkups as something that is necessary.. :) Then he's like that's just an expression. You have amazing teeth! When you smile the world lights up. It's so natural. Everyone sees it. I just say thanks! Haha And I tell him I actually have to go to the dentist one of these days cause my teeth have been hurting and he suggests we go to together. Like seriously not one of those fake "we have to catch up one day!" sort of things. I mean I don't mind. He makes good conversation. We've had pretty serious conversations that I can't necessarily talk some friends about. But I'm afraid of the awkwardness. Cause talking to him in person vs. online is TOTALLY different.

I guess we will see.

End of Day 1.

SCRATCH WHAT I WROTE. I DO NOT. I AM BITTER.

These are the days. Day 1.

Hello there. I haven't been writing this regularly in such a long time. I feel like I'm in some kind of rehab program. But I enjoy this time I everyday.

So I feel all creepy for some reason when I admit my feelings. So in a very non-creepy way..he's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. So I'm thinking to myself "Hey I think I like this fella..." but I still don't know if I am able to openly admit it. I'm a bit hesitant and iffy cause I've only been talking to him online. Once we are face to face I am quite the scaredy cat. If I am able to talk to him in person it will be in the bag. I want to know that I can have an actual conversation with him..in person.

Anyway, yesterday, I was preparing myself to not be disappointed if I didn't talk to him. All the times we talked on AIM I i/med him first ..only when I had a reason to. I want to know if he's talking to me just to be polite or because he WANTS to talk to me. Cause I think we went 2 days without talking a week ago and I was a bit disappointed. So I had no reason to talk to him yesterday so I was ready to wait it out. BUT he i/med me! I was pleasantly surprised. and happy :) Anyway our conversation ended short and I was exhausted so I decided to go to bed early. I mean at least I talked to him. I'd say it was at least half an hour that we didn't talked and I didn't know if I should say good night to him when I was getting ready to sign off. I didn't. And I was a bit sad. Then as I was praying I fell asleep..I'm sorry Lord forgive me. But I woke up a few minutes after and the first that popped into my head was "Oh shit! ______!" I don't know why.. I finished my prayer and went back to sleep. And it wasn't a good night for my dog either. She was up all night crying and thank goodness my brother was still up taking care of her. I woke up again around 2 from her crying and whimpering and I thought it was time to wake up. And the first thing I thought of was him. Again at 5. And again when I woke up forreal. So I might like him. Or will soon enough. I don't think about someone that much unless they're worth my while. Unless I care. Unless they're important.

He might worth my while. I might care about him. He just might be important.

Gotta be Somebody.

So I've been talking to him a bit more. And I am happy about that. But I'm a tad bit disappointed cause I thought talking to him more would help with the confusion ha. But I guess in a way it doesn't really count cause I'm not actually talking to him face to face. I mean I can be myself online which is great practice I guess..I hope, but I always have that initial fear of approaching him in person cause he's always surrounded by a group of people. People I am still unfamiliar with and unfamiliarity is a bit daunting. As is usual in this type of situation, I get to thinking. I started to wonder if I could actually like him? I think he's the first person I seriously considered after what's his face. The first person I actually made attempts at getting to know. From what I can remember there were two guys I "crushed" over that are worth mentioning since what's his face. But it was only cause they were pretty ha ha. Just to look at didn't really like for a lack of better words. First time I met this particular person his looks did not catch my attention. I'm not saying he's butt ugly but he's not exceptionally good looking. Haha that's not a bad thing. I'm not trying to diss him. I don't want to be carried away just cause of someone's looks. And he didn't really stand out but that day I was introduced to a whole batch of people. From first glance he's an ordinary guy. But it's the getting to know him part that sort of intrigued me in a way ha ha.

Can I like this person? I mean I've been talking to him pretty regularly in a very irregular way I guess. The thing is I don't know if he actually wants to talk to me or if he's just being polite. Or nosy. Is this just another crush? What's the difference between like and crush? I've been incredibly happy being single. The freedom you feel is like no other. I have this need to be by myself. To set aside time just for me. Even with what's his face I didn't allow myself to depend on him. But he didn't give me the chance to depend on him cause his scrawny high school ass couldn't support me. No job and no sense of direction (literally). I paid for myself and I bought him things. He never took me home and I never took him home, but I was always the one waiting for him picking him up where it was convenient for him so his ass wouldn't get lost. And his neediness ultimately pushed me to lose feelings. I need my space! He definitely did not respect that and felt that his needs were greater than mine. And don't get me wrong I'm not looking to be showered with gifts. And I don't want to be taken home/picked up all the time. But I need to know that I can fully 100% rely on my guy. I need to know that he can take care of me. When I'm sick. When I'm feeling insecure. When I'm sad. When I'm mad.

I'm getting out of that state of mind where I want to be single. No I want someone I know is willing and Able to take care of me and support me. Someone I am totally willing to depend on. Unafraid to be dependent. Unafraid that he won't come short and end up disappointing me. I want to fall in love for the first time.

Your first relationship changes you. It helps you figure out what you REALLY want and need when you actually have it. I thought I wanted a sensitive guy. Ha! I mean I do but I now know how sensitive is too sensitive. It will soon be my 2 year anniversary of the single life and it has been quite magical ha ha. I've had the time to reflect and edit my list of what I'm looking for. I am ready to stop saying "I don't need a boyfriend. They're a waste of time." Ha ha look at me all grown up.