It's Over.

Thank you Twilight and Edward Cullen. I was a former Twilight fan hater. Now I am currently obsessed Twilight fan..I love Edward Cullen. The new mold of my fictional dream guy. It was nice knowing you Landon Carter. And I am not exaggerating..my obsession was no joke. But it was good.

With that fella, I am over it. Only way later do I realize what it was I felt. Only a crush. The big thing that pushed to decide to move on was church. Seeing him started to be one of the bigger reasons why I wanted to go to church. Not good at all. I started to forget the real reason why I started going to church. And I guess it's true about how it should be easy to talk to the person you are interested in. It should flow. I can see what a friend was saying now. You shouldn't be thinking thinking thinking all the time trying to figure out what to say. I can't completely agree to the following but I'm pretty sure if I am genuinely interested in someone I would know. I questioned myself and my feelings towards this fella too much. Twas nothing..

Once I realized that I needed to focus on God and my initial reason for starting to go to church it was easy. I moved on in an instant. And that's when Edward Cullen stepped into my life. Ha ha ha sounds cheesy I know but no joke. He's quite perfect. But of course he's fictional. And I know I get carried away with my chick flicks and dramas but after reading about Edward and Bella I really started to doubt love. I haven't experienced or witnessed a love as complete as those you find in fictional stories. So does that kind of love even exist in reality? Yeah everyone has a different idea of the perfect love, but I just did not believe that anyone's idea of the perfect love could ever be reality. Humans are so fickle. I sure as heck know I am - maybe more than others. I know it was only a "crush" but just seeing how I was so easily swayed into being interested in him and just as suddenly I was way over that.

Does the human heart have the capacity to hold that much love? Is it just temporary? I can't imagine finding the one person I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. The idea of divorce seems so inescapable. Well it's not what's going to happen to everyone but can a couple be truly happily married until death do them part? Can you really stick with one person for 50+ years and be happy? Without falling out of love? I've been really praying about it. I don't want to have a crappy empty definition of love. I want to believe in love. I want to have hope that I will meet the man I will spend the rest of my life with. Another idea - soul mates - don't know if I believe in that. Don't know if I ever did.

Ookay. :)

You were throwing pebbles.

It's a love story baby just say "yes."

My love of chick flicks has blurred my perspective on reality and I got carried away. While I was brushing my teeth this morning I started thinking about philosophy and whatever I learned about pleasure. I forgot who said what but there was something about pleasure and the need to constantly reach a higher pleasure. Like after each expectation is met, you need something better after that to reach a new level of satisfaction.

So here's how it all went down. "Oh snaps he wrote on my wall!" then "He called me!" "Oh maan we're talking on AIM" to "OH CRAP he i/med me!" to "We're gonna hangout. Awesome!" to "Woo! He texted me!" to "YAY he said good night" to "Hug!" to "Lunch! And he paid!" A lot of the things he does is not worth noting cause he's just a nice guy and it's just him being him. Sucks. Nice guys..they cause trouble ha ha ha..

I got carried away by my chick flicks and overly dramatic shows that I thought it would happen to me. Ha. Ha. Just have to keep reminding myself.

So now it got me thinking. How does a nice guy show a girl that he's being more than nice?

What a blur.

I haven't been writing cause I haven't been thinking. Which is good I guess.
I've been having a hard time figuring out what to do..in general. A big thing this week was talking to a friend to get advice on some boy things. I always feel weird to go to a friend to tell them my situation because if I do I just feel like I'm talking about myself too much. And that my friend will think that I only go to him/her to talk out my problems..and that I don't care about the problems they have in their life. I feel very full of myself. But at the same time if I don't and my friend finds out, I'm afraid he/she will think I am leaving her out of my life. And he/she will think I don't trust the person or don't think of him/her as an important part of my life. I used to wait for them to ask but that didn't always work out and so I've been trying to find a balance. But it's hard to figure out what exactly is the middle ground.

I've also been having a hard time opening up to people and/or letting them in. I'm a strong believer in having a small group of close friends as opposed to being ultra popular with 9834902637 friends. I'm one of those people that defriend people on Facebook if we never really talk in person and on Facebook. And I have a hard time spreading the love. So in my mind I think that if I let more people in I'm going to have to let some people out. Weird yeah..and I don't want to be unloyal so lately I've just been building walls I guess you can put it that way. I need to find a way to let my love flow freely. I want to touch everyone I meet with this loving lovely love. For the most part I'm very easily able to let people in. Just as long as you ask I will answer honestly. But if I'm the one who has to decide to let you in that's kind of a different story..for the reasons just listed.
*Correction..sorry I realized I completely contradicted myself. Um I have a hard time letting people in if they are new. If I know the person and you ask me personal questions I am good with letting you in. Depending on the situation I won't always be the one to tell people voluntarily. But if for some reason they ask I will answer it honestly. Does that make sense?

Uhm it's been a month and a halfish? Still don't know what is going on. I feel like I'm on a long and pretty slow journey. I recently started to enjoy this phase cause I started thinking of "what ifs". It will sound very lame and very corny and full of false hope but what if this is our beginning phase? I don't want it to just go by without me realizing. So I will enjoy this however way it ends. Uhm I've made steps to improve and further my getting to know him. Slowly working on it haha I just wish I knew what he was thinking. It's so hard to tell what his motives are cause he's a fairly nice guy. So is he just being nice and treating me like another friend? Orrrrrrrrrrrr? Hard to say. And I'm trying to keep my hopes and all my emotions in a bag. So when I got a hug from him I didn't let any of my emotions surface. So I can't really say how it made me feel. Hm. Hard to say. I'm just trying to get to know him. And I'm just constantly reminding myself to be myself.

Blurred, Busted, Bursting.

Funny. The feeling did not even last a day. I have finally accepted my bitterness I think. I am almost fine. I put the feeling on hold for the time being. My bitterness is overpowering my ability to think straight and process things reasonably. By now I usually ignore the source of the problem in order to be okay. I don't know if I'll be seeing him today, but if I do my current mood should give me what I need to talk to him, ha! And we'll see how it goes from there. But I don't know if he's going today since he wants to go to some show. Which I also want to go to but decided not to cause of my usual Friday plans. I feel like I should have taken the initiative to say "Let's go together" but I felt that would be too forward. And him not asking me got me all :( But with my usual Friday plans I don't really feel like going either. And it's not because he might not go! The usual people I go with aren't going and that scares me. I don't want to face all these new people by myself. At the same time I don't not want to go cause of my fear you know? I should grow up and man up! But the last time that happened I was a bit bummed..so it adds on to my not wanting to go.

I am a bit ticked with a friend of mine. I will name the friend "A" for obvious reasons. As much as I am ticked with A I feel I don't have the right to be. I am ticked because A has been MIA and A hasn't been trying to be there for me. But it's been like this for a while now and I haven't really been there for A either. We are both busy people so if we have something to say we just usually tell each other. We don't ask each other what's up. You know? And I haven't been seeing A regularly and I sort of just got used to it. I would ask A to hang out but more than not A was unable to.Now I feel myself getting jealous because A makes time to see other folks, but not me.

Uninvest.

I know nothing ever really happened. But I feel very bitter about whatever I gave to this very unrealistic likeness I am feeling. I guess with nice guys you can never really tell if they're interested or if they're just being plain ol nice. I'm just in a bad mood maybe cause of the craptastic weather, but I'm struggling with myself. I can't seem to let this go. I AM PISSED. I look in the mirror and I yell at myself. SERIOUSLY?! You broke your period of "I'm happy to be single and don't want anything else" for THIS? To be indirectly rejected?! AGAIN?! Haha phrasing it like that makes it a bit funny, but it's exactly what I'm feeling. I feel like it's just the devil killing my mood. Cause I've been pretty happy and I've been reading the Bible regularly. And I've been enjoying going to Bible Study and I've been looking forward to it every week. And now I can't think of anything else but this crappy situation. Or maybe this is what God wants. Cause I've been looking forward to Bible Study just to see him and not Him.

On another note. Before I thought of this fella (fella #1) I had this dream about another fella (fella #2). Really random cause I did not know fella #2 like at all. Just met him actually. And I tend to overthink my dreams. Well in the dream I like another fella (fella #3) who I also do not know at all and he liked me back. But a friend of mine thought he was cute and although she didn't like fella #3 I just did not want to go there. He kept asking me out, but I said no but didn't mention my friend. Anyway he was walking directly ahead of me and he suddenly changes into fella #2 and kisses me. Even though this is only a dream I woke up thinking WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! Anyway the next time I saw him it was a bit of a special occasion. The girls were setting up a dinner sort of thing for the guys. And at the end the girls had little poster cards for each guy and I didn't really know anyone so I was randomly given any guy's card. And I got fella #2's card so I just thought to myself "huh..interesting.." And then the week after he offered a ride home cause we both live in the same area. But there was another person so it wasn't weird. And a couple weeks later he i/ms me and says something along the lines of "It sucks when someone doesn't like you..at least the way you want them to." I ask him if he's talking about someone in particular but he changes the subject which is not unusual cause he skips around a lot in a given conversation. Then later he says "I'm different. I stray from the norm. You're different. Which leads into what I'm about to say..." And I think to myself is he gonna say he likes me or something but is doesn't think that I don't see him that way? But I just play clueless and he changes the subject.. I tend to get quite uncomfortable quite easily but I didn't wanna things to be that way cause he's a nice guy. And he's been really supportive with certain things even though I just met him. Back to the present. I haven't seen him in maybe 2 weeks? And he i/ms me the other day about going to a concert cause his friend had an extra ticket for a good price. And I'm thinking is he expecting me to go with him like just the two of us? But a friend of mine was also going and she offered to hangout with us but she thinks he's a bit out there so she was hesitant. In the end the extra ticket his friend had went away. I don't want things to be like that! We're supposed to be there for each other to develop fellowship. But he's being labeled as socially awkward. I don't want cliques and I don't wanna be encouraging or supporting that kind of behavior. Then yesterday he i/ms me randomly again asking me what dentist I go to. I tell him I haven't been to one in maybe 7+ years ..bad I know. But my mom does not see regular checkups as something that is necessary.. :) Then he's like that's just an expression. You have amazing teeth! When you smile the world lights up. It's so natural. Everyone sees it. I just say thanks! Haha And I tell him I actually have to go to the dentist one of these days cause my teeth have been hurting and he suggests we go to together. Like seriously not one of those fake "we have to catch up one day!" sort of things. I mean I don't mind. He makes good conversation. We've had pretty serious conversations that I can't necessarily talk some friends about. But I'm afraid of the awkwardness. Cause talking to him in person vs. online is TOTALLY different.

I guess we will see.

End of Day 1.

SCRATCH WHAT I WROTE. I DO NOT. I AM BITTER.

These are the days. Day 1.

Hello there. I haven't been writing this regularly in such a long time. I feel like I'm in some kind of rehab program. But I enjoy this time I everyday.

So I feel all creepy for some reason when I admit my feelings. So in a very non-creepy way..he's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. So I'm thinking to myself "Hey I think I like this fella..." but I still don't know if I am able to openly admit it. I'm a bit hesitant and iffy cause I've only been talking to him online. Once we are face to face I am quite the scaredy cat. If I am able to talk to him in person it will be in the bag. I want to know that I can have an actual conversation with him..in person.

Anyway, yesterday, I was preparing myself to not be disappointed if I didn't talk to him. All the times we talked on AIM I i/med him first ..only when I had a reason to. I want to know if he's talking to me just to be polite or because he WANTS to talk to me. Cause I think we went 2 days without talking a week ago and I was a bit disappointed. So I had no reason to talk to him yesterday so I was ready to wait it out. BUT he i/med me! I was pleasantly surprised. and happy :) Anyway our conversation ended short and I was exhausted so I decided to go to bed early. I mean at least I talked to him. I'd say it was at least half an hour that we didn't talked and I didn't know if I should say good night to him when I was getting ready to sign off. I didn't. And I was a bit sad. Then as I was praying I fell asleep..I'm sorry Lord forgive me. But I woke up a few minutes after and the first that popped into my head was "Oh shit! ______!" I don't know why.. I finished my prayer and went back to sleep. And it wasn't a good night for my dog either. She was up all night crying and thank goodness my brother was still up taking care of her. I woke up again around 2 from her crying and whimpering and I thought it was time to wake up. And the first thing I thought of was him. Again at 5. And again when I woke up forreal. So I might like him. Or will soon enough. I don't think about someone that much unless they're worth my while. Unless I care. Unless they're important.

He might worth my while. I might care about him. He just might be important.

Gotta be Somebody.

So I've been talking to him a bit more. And I am happy about that. But I'm a tad bit disappointed cause I thought talking to him more would help with the confusion ha. But I guess in a way it doesn't really count cause I'm not actually talking to him face to face. I mean I can be myself online which is great practice I guess..I hope, but I always have that initial fear of approaching him in person cause he's always surrounded by a group of people. People I am still unfamiliar with and unfamiliarity is a bit daunting. As is usual in this type of situation, I get to thinking. I started to wonder if I could actually like him? I think he's the first person I seriously considered after what's his face. The first person I actually made attempts at getting to know. From what I can remember there were two guys I "crushed" over that are worth mentioning since what's his face. But it was only cause they were pretty ha ha. Just to look at didn't really like for a lack of better words. First time I met this particular person his looks did not catch my attention. I'm not saying he's butt ugly but he's not exceptionally good looking. Haha that's not a bad thing. I'm not trying to diss him. I don't want to be carried away just cause of someone's looks. And he didn't really stand out but that day I was introduced to a whole batch of people. From first glance he's an ordinary guy. But it's the getting to know him part that sort of intrigued me in a way ha ha.

Can I like this person? I mean I've been talking to him pretty regularly in a very irregular way I guess. The thing is I don't know if he actually wants to talk to me or if he's just being polite. Or nosy. Is this just another crush? What's the difference between like and crush? I've been incredibly happy being single. The freedom you feel is like no other. I have this need to be by myself. To set aside time just for me. Even with what's his face I didn't allow myself to depend on him. But he didn't give me the chance to depend on him cause his scrawny high school ass couldn't support me. No job and no sense of direction (literally). I paid for myself and I bought him things. He never took me home and I never took him home, but I was always the one waiting for him picking him up where it was convenient for him so his ass wouldn't get lost. And his neediness ultimately pushed me to lose feelings. I need my space! He definitely did not respect that and felt that his needs were greater than mine. And don't get me wrong I'm not looking to be showered with gifts. And I don't want to be taken home/picked up all the time. But I need to know that I can fully 100% rely on my guy. I need to know that he can take care of me. When I'm sick. When I'm feeling insecure. When I'm sad. When I'm mad.

I'm getting out of that state of mind where I want to be single. No I want someone I know is willing and Able to take care of me and support me. Someone I am totally willing to depend on. Unafraid to be dependent. Unafraid that he won't come short and end up disappointing me. I want to fall in love for the first time.

Your first relationship changes you. It helps you figure out what you REALLY want and need when you actually have it. I thought I wanted a sensitive guy. Ha! I mean I do but I now know how sensitive is too sensitive. It will soon be my 2 year anniversary of the single life and it has been quite magical ha ha. I've had the time to reflect and edit my list of what I'm looking for. I am ready to stop saying "I don't need a boyfriend. They're a waste of time." Ha ha look at me all grown up.

Messed up?

After talking to a friend last night, I realized I had to do something. Anything. I've just been waiting and hoping I'll be able to understand my feelings from the once a week interactions. Which is really retarded since more than not, nothing can possibly come out of just waiting. I have been trying to try that for a while now but I always chickened out. And I told myself last night to try harder since this kind of behavior is so typical of me. I "like" someone but never do anything about it so the guy probably doesn't even know I was ever interested in him. It's not that I think about the "what if" but I'm just more mad at myself for always being such a wuss. Cause that really is so unlike me. I'm loud when I'm with friends. I don't just sit there quietly waiting for you to come and talk to me.

So I decided to i/m him today. The thing is I don't have his screenname.. I got it off Facebook. And since I didn't get it from him directly, I was a bit iffy about it. Felt a bit of a creepy creep..but it's only cause I think I might like him. If it was a friend I would do it without any second thoughts. Now I told another friend about i/ming him. And this friend asked me if the guy I think I might like asked me where I got his screenname from. He did not. This is apparently a good thing. It is a good thing either cause 1. He is glad I got his screenname off of wherever I got it from. or 2. He hasn't looked into it so I haven't really made an impression on him and therefore he doesn't mind talking to me or he doesn't not like me. Anyway talking to him is not that interesting. Our conversation is very on and off..and slow. Like we're both distracted.

I was gonna go somewhere else with this but I can't seem to remember. I'd rather get my butt to bed rather than sit and try and remember. Good Night.

Sing me a lullaby won't you..?

So I can't sleep. Had a real hard time last night as well. I'd like to say it was cause of that half an hour nap I took at 9pm, but in all honesty that had nothing to do with it. I couldn't stop thinking. I was passed out on my ass exhausted. But after my getting ready to sleep routine my brain started up and I couldn't stop thinking. I turned on the radio hoping that would keep my head distracted, but nothing. My thinking woke me up like an internal cup of coffee. And I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from it again today.

I like these moments cause I get to really reflect, but it'd be helpful if I had someone to reflect with. I feel myself panicking again. I feel distant with myself. Why am I having such a hard time figuring out what it is I'm feeling? I feel like it's the one thing I should be able to do right? But at the same time no it's one of the hardest things to do.

So here's the situation going down in my head.
The Problem lies all in this one simple yet difficult question: Do I like him? And why does this matter? This is the main source of all my thinking the past couple weeks. Say if I know I don't like him. Great! I can be able to be myself around him. I don't have to be afraid to be myself - which I shouldn't be even if I did like him, but it would make the task a whole lot easier - and I can go up to him and talk to him. If I do like him..Great! I can finally admit to it. I can then move on from then and try to lure him ahahaha no just kidding. But I can be aware of my actions and motives. I feel so lost in the middle. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? Either way it's just hard talking to him in person. Which is totally the opposite of what I stand for. I am a very vocal person. I talk! I scream! Why oh why can I not do this simple task. I'm just mad now.

I think..I think I like him. ha. ha. maybe?

Honestly, I know I don't like him. But it's so close to it..I can feel it! Or do I? It's hard to say..

I get the same feeling I usually get when I like someone. I get anxious when I'm about to see him. When I am actually in front of him I have this sudden inability to talk. And I can't approach him cause I'm too shy. I feel my cheeks get all red and hot. When we finally are in each others circle of communication I suddenly forget whatever I wanted to say..whatever I had planned in my head during the week. HA! Epic fail.

So again..due to my fear..I've been trying to reason with my scared self and my wanting to be with him self. For the most part, my scared self has been winning every time. So let me lay it out.
My scared self: 1. If it's meant to be it'll happen. 2. He's the guy, he should initiate a conversation first! 3. Why isn't he talking to me?! He doesn't like me.. :( ah well I never liked him! 4. This is who I am..I shouldn't change it just to maybe be with him (I'm not big on small talk I think it's fake most of the time)
My wanting to be with him self: 1. TALK TO HIM TALK TO HIM TALK TO HIM! 2. Come on you're yourself online just BE YOURSELF NOW. 3. Just pretend you don't like him..you totally don't as of now so why is it so weird? 4. You can't be shy forever..and you aren't really shy anyway. JUST BE YOURSELF. 5. If you don't talk to him you'll never get the chance to know him and he'll never get the chance to know you. Talking online won't always be a possibility. If you don't do this it's gonna be another failure..another reminder of when you didn't try hard enough.

Gosh it's so hard! I'm afraid he'll get the feeling that I DON'T like him just cause I only talk to him online. And I talk to pretty much EVERYONE else except him....except for those two sentence awkward sentences. ah. ha. ha.. Unless he knows I like him or has an idea I like him and that by me not talking to him is just me being shy. I need to try harder. I always say I will, but I always chicken out. WHAT A WUSS!

And for some reason it's so difficult to talk to him cause my friends are there. Isn't that really weird? Knowing that they know I like him and knowing they're watching me trying to hit up a conversation with him gets me really really shy and self conscious. And since they're close with each other they don't even have to be next to each other talking to be talking about me talking to him. The other day he came to sit next to me and I saw my friends give a glance at each other and then at him sitting next to me. And when I saw that I started freaking out a bit like my goodness it's like I'm on stage and EVERYONE is staring at me!

I need help.

A little dented.

I've been very happy for the past day or two. I think I might have a small crush on someone? I don't exactly know. After my last boyfriend I started to question my feelings. When it ended I was mad at myself because I stayed with him much longer than I should have. I lost feelings but I loved being in a relationship so I thought I loved him. It was my first relationship and my heart was too young and inexperienced. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew what I liked and loved and needed. No siree. I was over him while I was with him so I was just happy to be single again. Didn't go through any heartaches just confusion which hit me a year later. For about a year I wasn't even interested in being in another relationships. I had "targets" that were just good for looking at. Then this a couple weeks ago I realized that whenever I was about to meet new people the first thing that popped into my head was "will I meet someone who could possibly be my next boyfriend?" So after I had my little epiphany I had to make myself avoid that kind of thinking.

I might like someone right now. I don't know him that much and just recently met him. And I never really thought about it because I honestly didn't see him in that way. I was introduced to him as the guy who will crack you up. I just thought he was a jokester. I've been ..I wouldn't say talking but we've been messaging each other the past week once a day and I sort of had the feeling we were being more than friendly? I can't say if it falls under flirting cause I don't really know what counts as flirting but I'd like to think it's more than just friends. But I'm wondering if I like him or if I just want to be in a relationship. I'll be seeing him tomorrow. I last saw him two weeks ago. I've been looking forward to it but I'm anxious. I'm not very subtle when I'm interested in someone. My cheeks give out on me. Well I'll just have to see how things turn out tomorrow to see what this feeling is I'm feeling.

Recharge.

Agh sorry! I really really thought I would keep up with this. As soon as I started this blog, I actually moved back to my xanga. I enjoy writing here because I'm pretty sure no one will know who I am..it's a great way to vent. And I'm pretty sure no one even reads this.. regularly at least. Turns out I need to know there is at least an audience and xanga ain't so big anymore so it's only 3-4 people. It's good small group of close friends and I get honest feedback. Even though I'm getting better at being more honest and open with my emotions I need an outlet where I will remain somewhat anonymous.

Anyway I have anger problems..more like dealing with anger problems problems. Reading past journal entries and xanga entries it apparently used to be very bad. Nothing like beating up someone but the usual screaming and punching the wall. And of course my unexpressing self used to bottle up things which would blow up on the wrong person. I've been talking to someone regularly so I am much more aware of my thoughts, actions, and motives. I've been analyzing myself a lot more which can be good or bad. My "therapist" says I am very internal. I always have a dialogue going on with myself. I think and think and think before acting and sometimes I think too much and it's way past the window block of when I should have acted..so I don't act.

I am a Christian. My relationship with God has been growing since high school and it's been a good journey. There have been slow and dry parts yes but I've been making steps to get past that. I don't know how but since high school I've been taking Lent very seriously. In the beginning I wasn't exactly sure what the reason for Lent was. I did it for the sake of testing myself. I still take it seriously but this year it was different. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but it was different. I tend to add things to sacrifice to a list I composed over the past years of Lent. And I realized that as Easter approaches, I'm more eager to get back to whatever I gave up rather than celebrating Easter for its true purpose. It's really disappointing and as much as I try to move away from that I can't. It's been forty days you can't just ignore the excitement. In the past I would just go back to my old ways until the next year's Ash Wednesday. But this year something came over me and I really have the urge to change. I had A LOT of free time..well when there wasn't too much going on with school..so I started to read for my own pleasure. It was great. I never enjoyed reading because I was always forced and I never liked the material I was reading. So it was good reading what I wanted to read without feeling rushed or distracted by the world around me. I also tried going vegan. It wasn't that hard and I started to think about becoming vegetarian. I need my fish and dairy. I ran across some animal cruelty articles and it pushed me away from eating meat, but my brother pointed out that I was being ignorant. I really don't know enough to change my ways and claim it's because I want to stop animal cruelty. I don't want to be hypocritical. So until I get a better grasp of the truth, I'm doing this for health reasons. And looking at my past eating patterns I usually get vegetarian dishes whenever I'm not eating at home. So it's not a huge change.

Well I went out to dinner with some friends after church today. We went to a wings spot and they asked me ahead of time to see if I could eat something from there. I had a chance to look at their menu online and I saw that they had fish so I said yeah. They thought I would eat wings..I guess I should have been clearer. So when I got there they were planning on which wings deal to get and I said I was going to get fish instead and a real close buddy of mine was sincerely ticked. He had planned out what we were gonna get. "If you weren't going to eat wings at a wings place we might as well have gone somewhere else. Why didn't you say something when we asked you before?" His tone was obviously on the lines of impatience and annoyance. (Gosh my grammar and vocabulary suck..my apologies) I tried to keep it cool on the outside cause I was freaking out a bit on the inside. I was torn between being sad and being angry. I was swallowing any potential tears and I just focused on the tvs at the wings place. This friend of mine is probably the most supportive of all the individuals in my life and I just did not expect that at all. We even talked about me being vegetarian after Easter. I thought I was doing a somewhat good job at looking indifferent, but I guess I didn't cause another friend was telling him to lay off. Over the past 40 days I've been put on the spot cause of my "special diet." And I felt terrible because friends had to accomodate it and I felt so grateful because they did it for 40 days. And at multiple times I even thought of just backing down so that my friends could go eat wherever they want. But NO. I'm doing this for God. and now I'm doing this for me. In the past my insecure self would have given in to my friends' preferences. But no more. I need this. I need to stand up for myself. If you don't support or you can't understand my reasons for my "special diet" then you can suck it. If it's such a big deal then I will stop hanging out with you during meal times. It hurts me that you can't tolerate this change. I'm not asking you to understand me just accept me. It's not like you have to give up your love for meat. I used to LOVE my meat: steak, ribs, burgers, wings, fried chicken, whatever. But I want to do this now. Don't be a dick okay? You've known me all my life. You've recognized my recents trials in growing up, why this sudden outburst?!

I have such a hard time moving past a stump. It took so much out of me to snap out of that crappy mood and I never did. I just tried to ignore it the best I could but I'm pretty sure it was obvious that I felt uncomfortable and a bit ticked.

We'll hope it's not for nothing at all.

A big fault of mine. I have a hard time being empathetic. I feel as if I can do something then you should too. I know I had a pretty good life, but I believe it had it's rough parts. And for that reason you should be able to overcome whatever I did. I don't know what to do to get out of that mentality.

a purpose. a purpose?

So..I'm working on writing here everyday for the sake of my well-being. I've always dealt with bottled up anger and feelings. Not a big deal anymore. Except it's becoming a bit of a deal nowadays. So I write. So I express. Here where I can do it anonymously and hopefully without any extreme results.

I've been getting ready for an upcoming Ball. Sounds like Cinderella. I wish I was a bit like her. I guess every girl at one point or another wants to fast forward to her happy ending where she is already with her Prince Charming. I guess every girl at one point or another believes that she will end up with her Prince Charming. I don't expect that much. I do not know how I will end up in the following years, and I am glad. I don't wish to anticipate anything. I enjoy taking things in as they come.
As you can see I am quite easily sidetracked. I don't know who I'm talking to when I say "you" but it's quite comforting to know that someone is soaking up my thoughts. "You" may even be Mr. Somewhat Prince Charming.
Anyway, the Ball is at the end of the week and I just got my dress and shoes today. I was trying it on for my mother..(I don't call my mom "mother" just thought I'd test it out)..anyway while I was showing my mom, my dad came down and saw. Now to give a little bit of who I am..I am not a girl that loves to be a girl. I don't go all gaga for makeup, jewelry, designer clothing and bags, shoes, and dresses. I enjoy wearing sneakers everyday. I am in college and this is only the third dress I bought. I grew up on larger t-shirts and basketball shorts. My summer wardrobe consists of basketball shorts. Now when my dad saw me in my dress he immediately thought I was going to the ball with this particular dress to impress someone.
Now as much as I'd love to have a date to this ball, I am only going to have a good time with friends. It will be almost the end of midterms week, and I need to celebrate. It is only the beginning and I am stressed and exhausted. I really should be working on my philosophy paper now..I know it's common to think balls and dances are for dates. But there is NO WAY that I will be expected to follow that. That is one thing that annoys the living crap out of me. "You're supposed to.., A girl shouldn't..." Who says this and why am I expected to follow what you believe. Now my dad wouldn't believe me. I honestly don't have someone I am trying to impress. I barely have someone to be interested in.

upsetion

you upset me today and
as usual i didn't know what to say
couldn't let you and everyone see
the emotions that were clearly on my face
kept my eyes low and my mouth shut
while my mind was filled with rage and anger
at the thought of you and your assumptions
just letting yourself blurt out words
thinking i was some clumsy fool
i'm no fool
tears building up
luckily after a long game
it blended in well with my sweat
and blushed cheeks
you do not know