One of those.

Can't really sleep. I'm tired, but I don't want to? I don't know why I don't want to. This usually happens in the summer..well when there's no school. Maybe I just like to sit and think to myself. Don't really get to do that during the day. Guess this is my introverted self coming out.

The longer I sit here, the more I think about things. Lots of different things.

SCHOOL. I am done with it for as long as I can see. Man, I really did not enjoy my time in college. I think choosing to go where I went is one of my biggest regrets. If you ask me why I chose to go there, I can't even tell you. I don't think I've made any lasting relationships. Because of facebook, I semi know what's going on with them and I see that they hang out. I sometimes get invited, but a lot of the times I don't since they usually hang out when I have church. And I am okay with it. And thinking about where to apply for jobs, I'm even more unsatisfied because I no longer want to pursue something in my major. I feel like it was a waste. I really regret not going away for college and getting the dorming experience. Or even going to a CUNY, saving money, and going to a school with friends. But at the same time, I know that without going there, I wouldn't be here right now. And even if I was, things would be plenty different. I need to remind myself that if I hadn't stayed in the city, I probably wouldn't have had that chance to start coming to this church because I wouldn't have talked to that friend, and I might just be at my family church.

Which brings me to just that. FAM. CHURCH. When I have time, or even when I don't, I love looking through my Facebook pictures. You can tell a lot about me from the pictures and about where I was at the time the picture was taken. So for the umpteenth time, I looked through my profile pictures and I noticed the change of people in my profile pictures. Only..2 years ago, my family church was the BIG thing in my life. I loved seeing them and spending time with them and couldn't get enough of them. I remember one time I even asked myself "When will I get tired of seeing them so often? Will I even reach that point?" And yes, I did. Not that I stopped enjoying my time with them, but something else supplanted them. Over the past two years, I changed. I went through a phase of keeping them as a priority, then trying my best to keep a balance, frustration, disappointment, sadness, anger, apathy, doing the bare minimum. There were times when I wanted to leave. Not because of the people, but because I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of it. But why should I expect something? I should be thinking about what I can give. I've wanted to serve, to change things, but when I saw a lack of response and willingness to change, to put in more time and effort, I became careless. I stopped caring. But what about the kids? I occasionally think about them, and how they need so much more than they're being given now. They need to be challenged. But where's the support? Are they supposed to be forced to do activities until they just start enjoying it? I am really excited and scared for the missions trip in August. Excited to serve and to serve with the kids and "peers." Excited to be exposed and to serve as an example. Fearful that I won't be that model I want to be. That I won't be able to handle it. Scared that even those above me will serve as poor examples which will greatly influence and negatively impact the attitude of the kids. Wow, I need to pray more. And I need to start planning and preparing for this.

THIS CHURCH. I love it here. Sure, there are plenty of challenges, but these challenges are something I enjoy tackling. I enjoy being able to serve. I love being able to serve and help others. I look at JM and think "I want to be like that!" I learn about my strengths and weaknesses by serving. This past week, I realized how NOT flexible I am. I realized how uncomfortable I am with leading. As a leader you're expected to take charge and make decisions when things are iffy. And as a leader you're probably gonna be the one to take the heat when people are not pleased. Things happened and I wasn't able to make decisions and people expressed their dissatisfaction and I became very pent up, frustrated, and disappointed with myself. When there were last minute changes, I became frustrated again and couldn't readjust myself to the changes. I'm also a people pleaser, and it's very hard and sometimes impossible to please everyone. And when I'm unable to please everyone or when I'm aware that someone's upset, I internalize it. As the new year approaches and we transition to the new leaders, I'm very excited to see where we go. I have high hopes! But I'm also scared. There's this feeling inside my throat and somewhere in my heart that I can't express..I don't know if it's a good feeling or bad, but there's something there. I feel like I'm gonna face a lot of heat and upsetion and experience lots of moments where I feel like I'm being torn in two different directions as I take a bigger role here and probably become less present at my FAM CHURCH. My mom's going to be upset. I need to talk to her. God, please give me wisdom and courage.

WHAT'S NEXT? I don't know! I haven't been applying to jobs. It's a combination of laziness and fear of settling. I don't want just any job. I don't want to end up having a job I dread going to everyday, only so I have a steady income. I want to ENJOY what I do! But now that I have no idea as to what I want to do, I don't know what jobs to look for. I don't want to just look for any job and then end up staying there because I lose sight of what I want. Graphic Design..do I not want to pursue it because I really don't or because I don't want to put in the effort? I was talking to someone and she phrased it perfectly..let me try to remember what she said. "I never felt like I was REALLY GREAT at something. There are things I'm good at and enjoy, but it's not something I have a passion for. With passion, you will work through and put up with anything you have to get there." I'm not willing to do all the work for graphic design. So..WHAT IS MY PASSION?? I don't know anymore. I would love to work with animals, but without doing the whole science thing. Is that possible? I want to work with and help animals. Rescue them and help heal them - not so much physically (cause that requires science), but their mental and emotional health.

I think this is gonna help me sleep!