shattered.

It's almost been a year and it seems like the only changes I've made is in getting worse. My goodness, woman, this is insane.

I had a very thoughtful conversation with some spiritual mentors and it helped me gain perspective. My goodness I've lost sight of so many things this past year. I think this past year has been one of the most challenging for my faith. I pushed myself away from God, not because I didn't think He wasn't good, but I tried to control things with my own hands. I didn't doubt that He was there, but at times I just felt so terrible about myself that I chose not to go to Him. Why would He want someone like me? I doubted my worth and I still do sometimes because I base my worth on other people and the outcome of things. I couldn't and still can't see how God could use me in my brokenness. I've grown so cynical, judgmental and bitter. HOW can He possibly use me at this point and time? But then I guess I'm doubting His power over my imperfections.

I've forgotten His mercy and grace. And because of that, I've been having SUCH a hard time extending that to others. Being burned out, I've been unable to love and forgive without forcing myself to try and we all know that's not genuine. I've taken some things very personally. And I've been burned by others, not only in serving, but by those I consider(ed) close to me. When I commit myself to those who are really close to me, I commit myself. I am loyal and at the end of the day I will put their needs over mine even if it hurts. I don't expect to be treated the same because I do what I do out of love for them. I don't do things to expect things back for myself, but when you say I'm as important to you as you're important to me then I start expecting things.

A few times, I felt burned this year by close friends in my life..like I was forgotten or replaced or like I just didn't make the cut to be considered important enough in their life to be there for me when I needed them. Naturally, I've always just immediately turned any feeling into anger and pushed it away. But the feeling of hurt still hasn't gone away and the hurt is turning into sadness. It's that insecure feeling of not being good enough. I guess I shouldn't expect it, but I'd like to be appreciated - beyond just words. You say one thing, but your actions say otherwise. You don't see how much I do for you. I feel like I'm losing at the end.

My burn out is borderline creeping into bitterness and I don't know what to do about it. All my weak attempts at filling myself have been unhelpful. I have these expectations which I've been confirmed are not always unreasonable, but my perspective needs to change. I need to be sure that I'm clear with others about my expectations. I need to be okay with failure because my definition of failure is probably different from God's definition. And I forget too easily that God still is in control of my failures and has the power to use it. I have to let go of this control.

I need to go back to God. God, I know You're there. But this downhill track I've been in this year was not in my plans. I was planning for something great and spectacular. My actions and thoughts haven't been Christlike and I don't see how I'd be in any shape setting a good example to others. I don't see how I could be a blessing to others. I want to know why I've been in such a downhill path. I want to see how God is using this.