Recharge.

Agh sorry! I really really thought I would keep up with this. As soon as I started this blog, I actually moved back to my xanga. I enjoy writing here because I'm pretty sure no one will know who I am..it's a great way to vent. And I'm pretty sure no one even reads this.. regularly at least. Turns out I need to know there is at least an audience and xanga ain't so big anymore so it's only 3-4 people. It's good small group of close friends and I get honest feedback. Even though I'm getting better at being more honest and open with my emotions I need an outlet where I will remain somewhat anonymous.

Anyway I have anger problems..more like dealing with anger problems problems. Reading past journal entries and xanga entries it apparently used to be very bad. Nothing like beating up someone but the usual screaming and punching the wall. And of course my unexpressing self used to bottle up things which would blow up on the wrong person. I've been talking to someone regularly so I am much more aware of my thoughts, actions, and motives. I've been analyzing myself a lot more which can be good or bad. My "therapist" says I am very internal. I always have a dialogue going on with myself. I think and think and think before acting and sometimes I think too much and it's way past the window block of when I should have acted..so I don't act.

I am a Christian. My relationship with God has been growing since high school and it's been a good journey. There have been slow and dry parts yes but I've been making steps to get past that. I don't know how but since high school I've been taking Lent very seriously. In the beginning I wasn't exactly sure what the reason for Lent was. I did it for the sake of testing myself. I still take it seriously but this year it was different. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but it was different. I tend to add things to sacrifice to a list I composed over the past years of Lent. And I realized that as Easter approaches, I'm more eager to get back to whatever I gave up rather than celebrating Easter for its true purpose. It's really disappointing and as much as I try to move away from that I can't. It's been forty days you can't just ignore the excitement. In the past I would just go back to my old ways until the next year's Ash Wednesday. But this year something came over me and I really have the urge to change. I had A LOT of free time..well when there wasn't too much going on with school..so I started to read for my own pleasure. It was great. I never enjoyed reading because I was always forced and I never liked the material I was reading. So it was good reading what I wanted to read without feeling rushed or distracted by the world around me. I also tried going vegan. It wasn't that hard and I started to think about becoming vegetarian. I need my fish and dairy. I ran across some animal cruelty articles and it pushed me away from eating meat, but my brother pointed out that I was being ignorant. I really don't know enough to change my ways and claim it's because I want to stop animal cruelty. I don't want to be hypocritical. So until I get a better grasp of the truth, I'm doing this for health reasons. And looking at my past eating patterns I usually get vegetarian dishes whenever I'm not eating at home. So it's not a huge change.

Well I went out to dinner with some friends after church today. We went to a wings spot and they asked me ahead of time to see if I could eat something from there. I had a chance to look at their menu online and I saw that they had fish so I said yeah. They thought I would eat wings..I guess I should have been clearer. So when I got there they were planning on which wings deal to get and I said I was going to get fish instead and a real close buddy of mine was sincerely ticked. He had planned out what we were gonna get. "If you weren't going to eat wings at a wings place we might as well have gone somewhere else. Why didn't you say something when we asked you before?" His tone was obviously on the lines of impatience and annoyance. (Gosh my grammar and vocabulary suck..my apologies) I tried to keep it cool on the outside cause I was freaking out a bit on the inside. I was torn between being sad and being angry. I was swallowing any potential tears and I just focused on the tvs at the wings place. This friend of mine is probably the most supportive of all the individuals in my life and I just did not expect that at all. We even talked about me being vegetarian after Easter. I thought I was doing a somewhat good job at looking indifferent, but I guess I didn't cause another friend was telling him to lay off. Over the past 40 days I've been put on the spot cause of my "special diet." And I felt terrible because friends had to accomodate it and I felt so grateful because they did it for 40 days. And at multiple times I even thought of just backing down so that my friends could go eat wherever they want. But NO. I'm doing this for God. and now I'm doing this for me. In the past my insecure self would have given in to my friends' preferences. But no more. I need this. I need to stand up for myself. If you don't support or you can't understand my reasons for my "special diet" then you can suck it. If it's such a big deal then I will stop hanging out with you during meal times. It hurts me that you can't tolerate this change. I'm not asking you to understand me just accept me. It's not like you have to give up your love for meat. I used to LOVE my meat: steak, ribs, burgers, wings, fried chicken, whatever. But I want to do this now. Don't be a dick okay? You've known me all my life. You've recognized my recents trials in growing up, why this sudden outburst?!

I have such a hard time moving past a stump. It took so much out of me to snap out of that crappy mood and I never did. I just tried to ignore it the best I could but I'm pretty sure it was obvious that I felt uncomfortable and a bit ticked.