pop.

I've been feeling very unlike myself. I'm having a hard time saying/feeling things I used to say/feel. I am timid in situations I used to be so comfortable, in situations I used to look forward to. I've become pretty impatient and easily annoyed. I'm not driven anymore. I'm scattered. I haven't lost hope, but I'm less hopeful. I've been settling. I'm (more) easily discouraged. I've become greedy and selfish. I've been struggling with being judgmental.

I need time to recuperate. Some time to reflect and gather my thoughts on who I am, what I'm doing, what I want to do, what I should do. My goals and my dreams. My passion? I've been listening to Jaeson Ma's "Love" and Switchfoot's "Your Love Is A Song" trying to remind myself what love is. I need a break. I need to make time for God. I need some silence. I feel like the bubble that's been popped and I'm just losing myself.

NTS and all you out there

“Your talent and giftedness as a leader have the potential to take you farther than your character can sustain you. That ought to scare you. The fact that people choose to follow you is not necessarily an indicator that you deserve to be followed. There is a significant difference between having a following and being worth following. The truth is that talented, charismatic, visionary people will almost always have a following. Whether they are worth following is a different question, predicated upon a different set of values.

There is always the temptation to look at someone and judge the amount of God’s blessing upon his life based upon the number of people who have chosen to follow him. But if numbers tell the whole story, we would have to assume that God removed His blessing from Jesus toward the end of His ministry! In the weeks prior to His crucifixion the crowds began to wane. In the end there were only a handful of faithful men and women who dared to be associated with Him. Followship is not an accurate indicator of one’s worthiness to be followed.

To become a leader worth following, you must give time and attention to the inner man. To leave a legacy that goes beyond accomplishment alone, a leader must devote himself to the matters of the heart.”

-Andy Stanley, The Next Generation Leader

hope.

I've been struggling lately. The same feelings in (somewhat) new circumstances. Haven't really blogged in a while and I'm gonna try and make this quick cause I have work to do and I'm tired. I've been feeling this weight and urgency to write because I don't really have someone to talk to. Well not that I don't trust people, but more like I'm not the one that requests to talk and share my blarghs. I'm stupid. I'm insecure. I'm jealous. I'm proud. Actually there are some people I don't fully trust. It may be intentional or unintentional. Or some people I feel like won't understand or will judge me. Mixed feelings. I'm stubborn. I feel like I have to have this image of me that doesn't ask for help. Well this is my call for help.

For a bit over a year now I've been dealing with this regular pulse of insecurity and jealousy and pride. I've gone from angry and pissed off to just sad to just being or maybe just being seen as the bigger person and everything in between. I brought it up a few times probably because I was pushed to, but never expressed myself completely. I've doubted and I questioned. I've laughed it off and cried about it because I was hurt or just frustrated. I think I understand, maybe not. Guess this year has been the hardest for this situation. It's hard to admit it, but I've been jealous of you. I'm insecure because of you. I feel stupid because of you. But it hasn't been a consistent blargh haha that would've been bad. There were times I was happy or okay with it or maybe I was just in denial and ignored what was going on. I've been trying to hold on to the bigger picture which has been a huge help, but sometimes when it doesn't apply I just feel egh.

So I have and something else I don't even know if it's worth talking about. I don't know how to explain it without sounding like a naive stupid girl, haaaa! I don't know what brought it on, but I'm trying not to think about it. I have time. No worries.

"My fight is your fight"
YEAH. RIGHT.

blargh.

I guess you know you're doing something good when the devil tries to bring you down.

Intimacy.

Sort of got back to reading over the last week of my LAST WINTER BREAK! I'm not a big reader, but a part of me wishes! Anyway I started reading Daring To Draw Near over the summer but never finished it and picked it up again. I was reading the chapter on Job and intimacy and it was saying how people aim for intimacy, but end up with its counterfeit, familiarity. Here's a little excerpt..

"For intimacy involves a respectful listening and a respectful hearing. It also involves being humble enough to share the secrets of your heart, provided you know that in doing so you will help the one you share with and not burden him. We fail because we do not respect and do not reverence the handiwork of God in the person with whom we seek intimacy."

As I started to think about intimacy vs. familiarity in the relationships in my life the more I realized how true it is. I kind of pride myself in my listening..mainly cause I'm bad with advice/small talk/giving input etc etc. When I do have something to say I don't feel comfortable to come out and say it right away. I wait it out for an opportune moment and if that timing doesn't come, depending on the urgency of whatever I have to say I might just keep it to myself. Sometimes all I want to hear is "How are you doing?" and go beyond whatever answer I give. I'm afraid to be completely honest and to give an honest answer the first time around cause I'm scared of being a burden. akjsd;aiudelkxlkajhxieuyrcn. I forgot what I wanted to say. I'm tired.

Wait for it.

Greatness is going to happen. I can feel it.

All too wise. All too loving. All to make me smile.

I'm so thankful to have God on my side. Last night I was FREAKING out about school. I was so behind on work and reading. I can't afford to slack off cause I need good grades in order to graduate with a 3.0. And once I stop caring about getting behind on reading, it's going to be too late to catch up. So I was FREAKING out, but I did some cleaning which calmed me down a bit and made a To Do list which also helped.

I woke up this morning with this brilliant idea, well maybe not so brilliant, but it will come in handy. I have classes with friends so I can split up the reading with them! I can do the reading every other class or every other other depending on how many people I'm splitting it up with and whoever is doing the reading will type up the notes and email them out. BRILLIANT! I don't have to read every class and therefore causing less reason to freak out. That way it's more likely to put my 100% every time I read.

Ah, thank you Jesus. Forgive me for freaking out and losing trust in you in that moment.