again

Eh I'm tired. I want to stop trying..well I want to stop trying to try haha. It's too "hard." I don't know what to do. It's just really hard to overcome my fear. I'm waiting for a sign or a nudge, but without that it's really hard to initiate. I guess I can look at it like I should try first, but I'm too scared. I's tired. And disappointed. And just want to run away. What do I do? I realized yesterday, that I never really prayed about this. So I guess I'll start. I don't want to waste time. And end up hurting my emotions. But I don't want another again.

what happened

I remember back in high school and freshmen year in college, when all I wanted to do is spend time with you guys. I LOVED it and it was something I really looked forward to. Not so much now, but I really really enjoyed today. It was good.

balabalaBADUM!

Just kidding. I'm just a fickle minded fool. Oh YES, I said it. BALABALA BADUM! Seriously, I'm good now haha. Maybe I do have an off button. Or it wasn't serious. Or God helped me. :)

FREAKING.A.

FREAKING A. I'm annoyed. No one likes to feel down in the dumps. When I feel sad, I turn it into anger. Not good. But it's how I cope. I need a new coping mechanism. God, I need help.

Question. blargh.

How do I know I'm trusting God when I feel like I'm not doing anything? There's such a thin line between trusting God/not worrying and using that as an excuse to be lazy, ya know?

release. blaaaargh.

I was having a semi panic attack last night. Well not even..I was just really confused and my mind was running sprints and I couldn't contain my thoughts so I was all over the place. I really wanted someone to talk to, but it was 2 in the morning and at the same time I didn't want to tell anyone what I was thinking. I feel much better now, but still confused.

So I was reading PDL and one of the chapter's reflection question really caught my attention. What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? How has God tested me? For the a while now, I've been tight financially. I believe since December, I haven't been able to pay off my credit card bill on my own. For 3 months I asked my mom for some money to help pay and last month I asked my brother. I STILL have a hard time budgeting my finances! It's a pain. I spend my money on MetroCard, sponsoring people, gifts and food. I barely eat out anymore - it's usually for when I spend time with people outside of fellowship and I think that's important. During this time, I realized how much pressure and stress people must feel..people who have families and children to take care of. I try not to use the word "broke" because I'm sure there are people out there that feel more broke(n) than me. I now see how blessed I am to have family to support me. I also have friends who are kind enough, generous enough, loving enough to spot for me as well. I still feel uncomfortable asking friends for money unless I'm really desperate because I was taught not to do that when I was growing up. I'm all for spotting my friends when they need, but for me to do that is a bit unsettling unless I'm super close to you. I've gotten a bit better at letting others help me financially. I guess it's cause it makes me feel so vulnerable? And I'm afraid I won't be able to pay people back in a timely manner. Having to owe someone something makes me antsy. I was talking to a friend about it because one time he said he would've bought me lunch and I told him I wouldn't have let him. Later on we started talking about his job and he said something like "I think it's hard talking to friends about money" and we went back to the subject of letting him spot me and he asked me if I would spot him if he needed it. I told him of course I would - so my inconsistency confused him I guess. I went off on a tangent, but the point I was trying to make was that no matter how bad I was doing financially, it made me realize that God would provide for me. Through family and through friends.

I was also confused about what to do after graduation. I really want to go on missions. I don't want to work. Well if I did work, I would want to do graphic design with an organization that works for a greater cause like social justice. And somewhere where where so much experience is required - I still have a lot to learn and want to be in an environment that helps me do that. As much as I don't want to work, I know I'm going to have to face it in order to pay for student loans. And also for missions. I was talking to my mentor about all of this and when we talked about my financial worries, she reminded me that if God wants it, it'll happen! There are instances of people who fundraised more than enough for missions trip and that gave me hope. And it reminded me how little faith I had. I feel like the past couple months have been a glance into what my life could be like if I did go into missions. No need to fear! God will provide!

Out of the loop.

At times like this I feel lonely. I'm planning on breaking night or staying up as late as I have to in order to finish my assignment tonight. It's due Wednesday, but I don't want to be up all night the day before and I have a lot more stuff going on Wednesday so I don't want to be super tired. Especially since I'll be working and have class. Tomorrow will be more laid back and I'll be doing things will make me less likely to fall asleep. Volunteer, hopefully print out my assignment and get it all nice looking, take a nap hopefully, meet with my mentor, take a nap hopefully, yoga, go home. Normally, I would be chatting with friends or just on facebook - whatever to keep me connected to the outside world, ya know? And this week's ACT:S challenges us to be helpless. I was having a hard time thinking of what I can give up and got some help from my SG. Starting tonight until Sunday night, I'll be giving up my phone. I don't text too much, but when I do it have conversation with a friend it makes me happy. It's today's version of a one on one conversation. I rarely call people - only my mom to tell her when I'm going home - so that's okay, but just not having that option makes me antsy. Even not having my mom know when I'm going home makes me antsy. Usually it's the moms that worry, but I have this fear of not getting home safely so I call my mom as I'm leaving school or wherever, so she knows when to expect me. And if I don't make it in a timely manner, then she knows something's up. That's just me.

Man we are TOO hooked to our technology. Imagine if we were all this HOOKED on God? God, I'm gonna need you a lot this week.