So I was reading PDL and one of the chapter's reflection question really caught my attention. What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? How has God tested me? For the a while now, I've been tight financially. I believe since December, I haven't been able to pay off my credit card bill on my own. For 3 months I asked my mom for some money to help pay and last month I asked my brother. I STILL have a hard time budgeting my finances! It's a pain. I spend my money on MetroCard, sponsoring people, gifts and food. I barely eat out anymore - it's usually for when I spend time with people outside of fellowship and I think that's important. During this time, I realized how much pressure and stress people must feel..people who have families and children to take care of. I try not to use the word "broke" because I'm sure there are people out there that feel more broke(n) than me. I now see how blessed I am to have family to support me. I also have friends who are kind enough, generous enough, loving enough to spot for me as well. I still feel uncomfortable asking friends for money unless I'm really desperate because I was taught not to do that when I was growing up. I'm all for spotting my friends when they need, but for me to do that is a bit unsettling unless I'm super close to you. I've gotten a bit better at letting others help me financially. I guess it's cause it makes me feel so vulnerable? And I'm afraid I won't be able to pay people back in a timely manner. Having to owe someone something makes me antsy. I was talking to a friend about it because one time he said he would've bought me lunch and I told him I wouldn't have let him. Later on we started talking about his job and he said something like "I think it's hard talking to friends about money" and we went back to the subject of letting him spot me and he asked me if I would spot him if he needed it. I told him of course I would - so my inconsistency confused him I guess. I went off on a tangent, but the point I was trying to make was that no matter how bad I was doing financially, it made me realize that God would provide for me. Through family and through friends.
I was also confused about what to do after graduation. I really want to go on missions. I don't want to work. Well if I did work, I would want to do graphic design with an organization that works for a greater cause like social justice. And somewhere where where so much experience is required - I still have a lot to learn and want to be in an environment that helps me do that. As much as I don't want to work, I know I'm going to have to face it in order to pay for student loans. And also for missions. I was talking to my mentor about all of this and when we talked about my financial worries, she reminded me that if God wants it, it'll happen! There are instances of people who fundraised more than enough for missions trip and that gave me hope. And it reminded me how little faith I had. I feel like the past couple months have been a glance into what my life could be like if I did go into missions. No need to fear! God will provide!
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