I think..I think I like him. ha. ha. maybe?

Honestly, I know I don't like him. But it's so close to it..I can feel it! Or do I? It's hard to say..

I get the same feeling I usually get when I like someone. I get anxious when I'm about to see him. When I am actually in front of him I have this sudden inability to talk. And I can't approach him cause I'm too shy. I feel my cheeks get all red and hot. When we finally are in each others circle of communication I suddenly forget whatever I wanted to say..whatever I had planned in my head during the week. HA! Epic fail.

So again..due to my fear..I've been trying to reason with my scared self and my wanting to be with him self. For the most part, my scared self has been winning every time. So let me lay it out.
My scared self: 1. If it's meant to be it'll happen. 2. He's the guy, he should initiate a conversation first! 3. Why isn't he talking to me?! He doesn't like me.. :( ah well I never liked him! 4. This is who I am..I shouldn't change it just to maybe be with him (I'm not big on small talk I think it's fake most of the time)
My wanting to be with him self: 1. TALK TO HIM TALK TO HIM TALK TO HIM! 2. Come on you're yourself online just BE YOURSELF NOW. 3. Just pretend you don't like him..you totally don't as of now so why is it so weird? 4. You can't be shy forever..and you aren't really shy anyway. JUST BE YOURSELF. 5. If you don't talk to him you'll never get the chance to know him and he'll never get the chance to know you. Talking online won't always be a possibility. If you don't do this it's gonna be another failure..another reminder of when you didn't try hard enough.

Gosh it's so hard! I'm afraid he'll get the feeling that I DON'T like him just cause I only talk to him online. And I talk to pretty much EVERYONE else except him....except for those two sentence awkward sentences. ah. ha. ha.. Unless he knows I like him or has an idea I like him and that by me not talking to him is just me being shy. I need to try harder. I always say I will, but I always chicken out. WHAT A WUSS!

And for some reason it's so difficult to talk to him cause my friends are there. Isn't that really weird? Knowing that they know I like him and knowing they're watching me trying to hit up a conversation with him gets me really really shy and self conscious. And since they're close with each other they don't even have to be next to each other talking to be talking about me talking to him. The other day he came to sit next to me and I saw my friends give a glance at each other and then at him sitting next to me. And when I saw that I started freaking out a bit like my goodness it's like I'm on stage and EVERYONE is staring at me!

I need help.