What a blur.

I haven't been writing cause I haven't been thinking. Which is good I guess.
I've been having a hard time figuring out what to do..in general. A big thing this week was talking to a friend to get advice on some boy things. I always feel weird to go to a friend to tell them my situation because if I do I just feel like I'm talking about myself too much. And that my friend will think that I only go to him/her to talk out my problems..and that I don't care about the problems they have in their life. I feel very full of myself. But at the same time if I don't and my friend finds out, I'm afraid he/she will think I am leaving her out of my life. And he/she will think I don't trust the person or don't think of him/her as an important part of my life. I used to wait for them to ask but that didn't always work out and so I've been trying to find a balance. But it's hard to figure out what exactly is the middle ground.

I've also been having a hard time opening up to people and/or letting them in. I'm a strong believer in having a small group of close friends as opposed to being ultra popular with 9834902637 friends. I'm one of those people that defriend people on Facebook if we never really talk in person and on Facebook. And I have a hard time spreading the love. So in my mind I think that if I let more people in I'm going to have to let some people out. Weird yeah..and I don't want to be unloyal so lately I've just been building walls I guess you can put it that way. I need to find a way to let my love flow freely. I want to touch everyone I meet with this loving lovely love. For the most part I'm very easily able to let people in. Just as long as you ask I will answer honestly. But if I'm the one who has to decide to let you in that's kind of a different story..for the reasons just listed.
*Correction..sorry I realized I completely contradicted myself. Um I have a hard time letting people in if they are new. If I know the person and you ask me personal questions I am good with letting you in. Depending on the situation I won't always be the one to tell people voluntarily. But if for some reason they ask I will answer it honestly. Does that make sense?

Uhm it's been a month and a halfish? Still don't know what is going on. I feel like I'm on a long and pretty slow journey. I recently started to enjoy this phase cause I started thinking of "what ifs". It will sound very lame and very corny and full of false hope but what if this is our beginning phase? I don't want it to just go by without me realizing. So I will enjoy this however way it ends. Uhm I've made steps to improve and further my getting to know him. Slowly working on it haha I just wish I knew what he was thinking. It's so hard to tell what his motives are cause he's a fairly nice guy. So is he just being nice and treating me like another friend? Orrrrrrrrrrrr? Hard to say. And I'm trying to keep my hopes and all my emotions in a bag. So when I got a hug from him I didn't let any of my emotions surface. So I can't really say how it made me feel. Hm. Hard to say. I'm just trying to get to know him. And I'm just constantly reminding myself to be myself.