So I've been talking to him a bit more. And I am happy about that. But I'm a tad bit disappointed cause I thought talking to him more would help with the confusion ha. But I guess in a way it doesn't really count cause I'm not actually talking to him face to face. I mean I can be myself online which is great practice I guess..I hope, but I always have that initial fear of approaching him in person cause he's always surrounded by a group of people. People I am still unfamiliar with and unfamiliarity is a bit daunting. As is usual in this type of situation, I get to thinking. I started to wonder if I could actually like him? I think he's the first person I seriously considered after what's his face. The first person I actually made attempts at getting to know. From what I can remember there were two guys I "crushed" over that are worth mentioning since what's his face. But it was only cause they were pretty ha ha. Just to look at didn't really like for a lack of better words. First time I met this particular person his looks did not catch my attention. I'm not saying he's butt ugly but he's not exceptionally good looking. Haha that's not a bad thing. I'm not trying to diss him. I don't want to be carried away just cause of someone's looks. And he didn't really stand out but that day I was introduced to a whole batch of people. From first glance he's an ordinary guy. But it's the getting to know him part that sort of intrigued me in a way ha ha.
Can I like this person? I mean I've been talking to him pretty regularly in a very irregular way I guess. The thing is I don't know if he actually wants to talk to me or if he's just being polite. Or nosy. Is this just another crush? What's the difference between like and crush? I've been incredibly happy being single. The freedom you feel is like no other. I have this need to be by myself. To set aside time just for me. Even with what's his face I didn't allow myself to depend on him. But he didn't give me the chance to depend on him cause his scrawny high school ass couldn't support me. No job and no sense of direction (literally). I paid for myself and I bought him things. He never took me home and I never took him home, but I was always the one waiting for him picking him up where it was convenient for him so his ass wouldn't get lost. And his neediness ultimately pushed me to lose feelings. I need my space! He definitely did not respect that and felt that his needs were greater than mine. And don't get me wrong I'm not looking to be showered with gifts. And I don't want to be taken home/picked up all the time. But I need to know that I can fully 100% rely on my guy. I need to know that he can take care of me. When I'm sick. When I'm feeling insecure. When I'm sad. When I'm mad.
I'm getting out of that state of mind where I want to be single. No I want someone I know is willing and Able to take care of me and support me. Someone I am totally willing to depend on. Unafraid to be dependent. Unafraid that he won't come short and end up disappointing me. I want to fall in love for the first time.
Your first relationship changes you. It helps you figure out what you REALLY want and need when you actually have it. I thought I wanted a sensitive guy. Ha! I mean I do but I now know how sensitive is too sensitive. It will soon be my 2 year anniversary of the single life and it has been quite magical ha ha. I've had the time to reflect and edit my list of what I'm looking for. I am ready to stop saying "I don't need a boyfriend. They're a waste of time." Ha ha look at me all grown up.
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