It's Over.

Thank you Twilight and Edward Cullen. I was a former Twilight fan hater. Now I am currently obsessed Twilight fan..I love Edward Cullen. The new mold of my fictional dream guy. It was nice knowing you Landon Carter. And I am not exaggerating..my obsession was no joke. But it was good.

With that fella, I am over it. Only way later do I realize what it was I felt. Only a crush. The big thing that pushed to decide to move on was church. Seeing him started to be one of the bigger reasons why I wanted to go to church. Not good at all. I started to forget the real reason why I started going to church. And I guess it's true about how it should be easy to talk to the person you are interested in. It should flow. I can see what a friend was saying now. You shouldn't be thinking thinking thinking all the time trying to figure out what to say. I can't completely agree to the following but I'm pretty sure if I am genuinely interested in someone I would know. I questioned myself and my feelings towards this fella too much. Twas nothing..

Once I realized that I needed to focus on God and my initial reason for starting to go to church it was easy. I moved on in an instant. And that's when Edward Cullen stepped into my life. Ha ha ha sounds cheesy I know but no joke. He's quite perfect. But of course he's fictional. And I know I get carried away with my chick flicks and dramas but after reading about Edward and Bella I really started to doubt love. I haven't experienced or witnessed a love as complete as those you find in fictional stories. So does that kind of love even exist in reality? Yeah everyone has a different idea of the perfect love, but I just did not believe that anyone's idea of the perfect love could ever be reality. Humans are so fickle. I sure as heck know I am - maybe more than others. I know it was only a "crush" but just seeing how I was so easily swayed into being interested in him and just as suddenly I was way over that.

Does the human heart have the capacity to hold that much love? Is it just temporary? I can't imagine finding the one person I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. The idea of divorce seems so inescapable. Well it's not what's going to happen to everyone but can a couple be truly happily married until death do them part? Can you really stick with one person for 50+ years and be happy? Without falling out of love? I've been really praying about it. I don't want to have a crappy empty definition of love. I want to believe in love. I want to have hope that I will meet the man I will spend the rest of my life with. Another idea - soul mates - don't know if I believe in that. Don't know if I ever did.

Ookay. :)

You were throwing pebbles.

It's a love story baby just say "yes."

My love of chick flicks has blurred my perspective on reality and I got carried away. While I was brushing my teeth this morning I started thinking about philosophy and whatever I learned about pleasure. I forgot who said what but there was something about pleasure and the need to constantly reach a higher pleasure. Like after each expectation is met, you need something better after that to reach a new level of satisfaction.

So here's how it all went down. "Oh snaps he wrote on my wall!" then "He called me!" "Oh maan we're talking on AIM" to "OH CRAP he i/med me!" to "We're gonna hangout. Awesome!" to "Woo! He texted me!" to "YAY he said good night" to "Hug!" to "Lunch! And he paid!" A lot of the things he does is not worth noting cause he's just a nice guy and it's just him being him. Sucks. Nice guys..they cause trouble ha ha ha..

I got carried away by my chick flicks and overly dramatic shows that I thought it would happen to me. Ha. Ha. Just have to keep reminding myself.

So now it got me thinking. How does a nice guy show a girl that he's being more than nice?

What a blur.

I haven't been writing cause I haven't been thinking. Which is good I guess.
I've been having a hard time figuring out what to do..in general. A big thing this week was talking to a friend to get advice on some boy things. I always feel weird to go to a friend to tell them my situation because if I do I just feel like I'm talking about myself too much. And that my friend will think that I only go to him/her to talk out my problems..and that I don't care about the problems they have in their life. I feel very full of myself. But at the same time if I don't and my friend finds out, I'm afraid he/she will think I am leaving her out of my life. And he/she will think I don't trust the person or don't think of him/her as an important part of my life. I used to wait for them to ask but that didn't always work out and so I've been trying to find a balance. But it's hard to figure out what exactly is the middle ground.

I've also been having a hard time opening up to people and/or letting them in. I'm a strong believer in having a small group of close friends as opposed to being ultra popular with 9834902637 friends. I'm one of those people that defriend people on Facebook if we never really talk in person and on Facebook. And I have a hard time spreading the love. So in my mind I think that if I let more people in I'm going to have to let some people out. Weird yeah..and I don't want to be unloyal so lately I've just been building walls I guess you can put it that way. I need to find a way to let my love flow freely. I want to touch everyone I meet with this loving lovely love. For the most part I'm very easily able to let people in. Just as long as you ask I will answer honestly. But if I'm the one who has to decide to let you in that's kind of a different story..for the reasons just listed.
*Correction..sorry I realized I completely contradicted myself. Um I have a hard time letting people in if they are new. If I know the person and you ask me personal questions I am good with letting you in. Depending on the situation I won't always be the one to tell people voluntarily. But if for some reason they ask I will answer it honestly. Does that make sense?

Uhm it's been a month and a halfish? Still don't know what is going on. I feel like I'm on a long and pretty slow journey. I recently started to enjoy this phase cause I started thinking of "what ifs". It will sound very lame and very corny and full of false hope but what if this is our beginning phase? I don't want it to just go by without me realizing. So I will enjoy this however way it ends. Uhm I've made steps to improve and further my getting to know him. Slowly working on it haha I just wish I knew what he was thinking. It's so hard to tell what his motives are cause he's a fairly nice guy. So is he just being nice and treating me like another friend? Orrrrrrrrrrrr? Hard to say. And I'm trying to keep my hopes and all my emotions in a bag. So when I got a hug from him I didn't let any of my emotions surface. So I can't really say how it made me feel. Hm. Hard to say. I'm just trying to get to know him. And I'm just constantly reminding myself to be myself.

Blurred, Busted, Bursting.

Funny. The feeling did not even last a day. I have finally accepted my bitterness I think. I am almost fine. I put the feeling on hold for the time being. My bitterness is overpowering my ability to think straight and process things reasonably. By now I usually ignore the source of the problem in order to be okay. I don't know if I'll be seeing him today, but if I do my current mood should give me what I need to talk to him, ha! And we'll see how it goes from there. But I don't know if he's going today since he wants to go to some show. Which I also want to go to but decided not to cause of my usual Friday plans. I feel like I should have taken the initiative to say "Let's go together" but I felt that would be too forward. And him not asking me got me all :( But with my usual Friday plans I don't really feel like going either. And it's not because he might not go! The usual people I go with aren't going and that scares me. I don't want to face all these new people by myself. At the same time I don't not want to go cause of my fear you know? I should grow up and man up! But the last time that happened I was a bit bummed..so it adds on to my not wanting to go.

I am a bit ticked with a friend of mine. I will name the friend "A" for obvious reasons. As much as I am ticked with A I feel I don't have the right to be. I am ticked because A has been MIA and A hasn't been trying to be there for me. But it's been like this for a while now and I haven't really been there for A either. We are both busy people so if we have something to say we just usually tell each other. We don't ask each other what's up. You know? And I haven't been seeing A regularly and I sort of just got used to it. I would ask A to hang out but more than not A was unable to.Now I feel myself getting jealous because A makes time to see other folks, but not me.

Uninvest.

I know nothing ever really happened. But I feel very bitter about whatever I gave to this very unrealistic likeness I am feeling. I guess with nice guys you can never really tell if they're interested or if they're just being plain ol nice. I'm just in a bad mood maybe cause of the craptastic weather, but I'm struggling with myself. I can't seem to let this go. I AM PISSED. I look in the mirror and I yell at myself. SERIOUSLY?! You broke your period of "I'm happy to be single and don't want anything else" for THIS? To be indirectly rejected?! AGAIN?! Haha phrasing it like that makes it a bit funny, but it's exactly what I'm feeling. I feel like it's just the devil killing my mood. Cause I've been pretty happy and I've been reading the Bible regularly. And I've been enjoying going to Bible Study and I've been looking forward to it every week. And now I can't think of anything else but this crappy situation. Or maybe this is what God wants. Cause I've been looking forward to Bible Study just to see him and not Him.

On another note. Before I thought of this fella (fella #1) I had this dream about another fella (fella #2). Really random cause I did not know fella #2 like at all. Just met him actually. And I tend to overthink my dreams. Well in the dream I like another fella (fella #3) who I also do not know at all and he liked me back. But a friend of mine thought he was cute and although she didn't like fella #3 I just did not want to go there. He kept asking me out, but I said no but didn't mention my friend. Anyway he was walking directly ahead of me and he suddenly changes into fella #2 and kisses me. Even though this is only a dream I woke up thinking WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! Anyway the next time I saw him it was a bit of a special occasion. The girls were setting up a dinner sort of thing for the guys. And at the end the girls had little poster cards for each guy and I didn't really know anyone so I was randomly given any guy's card. And I got fella #2's card so I just thought to myself "huh..interesting.." And then the week after he offered a ride home cause we both live in the same area. But there was another person so it wasn't weird. And a couple weeks later he i/ms me and says something along the lines of "It sucks when someone doesn't like you..at least the way you want them to." I ask him if he's talking about someone in particular but he changes the subject which is not unusual cause he skips around a lot in a given conversation. Then later he says "I'm different. I stray from the norm. You're different. Which leads into what I'm about to say..." And I think to myself is he gonna say he likes me or something but is doesn't think that I don't see him that way? But I just play clueless and he changes the subject.. I tend to get quite uncomfortable quite easily but I didn't wanna things to be that way cause he's a nice guy. And he's been really supportive with certain things even though I just met him. Back to the present. I haven't seen him in maybe 2 weeks? And he i/ms me the other day about going to a concert cause his friend had an extra ticket for a good price. And I'm thinking is he expecting me to go with him like just the two of us? But a friend of mine was also going and she offered to hangout with us but she thinks he's a bit out there so she was hesitant. In the end the extra ticket his friend had went away. I don't want things to be like that! We're supposed to be there for each other to develop fellowship. But he's being labeled as socially awkward. I don't want cliques and I don't wanna be encouraging or supporting that kind of behavior. Then yesterday he i/ms me randomly again asking me what dentist I go to. I tell him I haven't been to one in maybe 7+ years ..bad I know. But my mom does not see regular checkups as something that is necessary.. :) Then he's like that's just an expression. You have amazing teeth! When you smile the world lights up. It's so natural. Everyone sees it. I just say thanks! Haha And I tell him I actually have to go to the dentist one of these days cause my teeth have been hurting and he suggests we go to together. Like seriously not one of those fake "we have to catch up one day!" sort of things. I mean I don't mind. He makes good conversation. We've had pretty serious conversations that I can't necessarily talk some friends about. But I'm afraid of the awkwardness. Cause talking to him in person vs. online is TOTALLY different.

I guess we will see.

End of Day 1.

SCRATCH WHAT I WROTE. I DO NOT. I AM BITTER.

These are the days. Day 1.

Hello there. I haven't been writing this regularly in such a long time. I feel like I'm in some kind of rehab program. But I enjoy this time I everyday.

So I feel all creepy for some reason when I admit my feelings. So in a very non-creepy way..he's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. So I'm thinking to myself "Hey I think I like this fella..." but I still don't know if I am able to openly admit it. I'm a bit hesitant and iffy cause I've only been talking to him online. Once we are face to face I am quite the scaredy cat. If I am able to talk to him in person it will be in the bag. I want to know that I can have an actual conversation with him..in person.

Anyway, yesterday, I was preparing myself to not be disappointed if I didn't talk to him. All the times we talked on AIM I i/med him first ..only when I had a reason to. I want to know if he's talking to me just to be polite or because he WANTS to talk to me. Cause I think we went 2 days without talking a week ago and I was a bit disappointed. So I had no reason to talk to him yesterday so I was ready to wait it out. BUT he i/med me! I was pleasantly surprised. and happy :) Anyway our conversation ended short and I was exhausted so I decided to go to bed early. I mean at least I talked to him. I'd say it was at least half an hour that we didn't talked and I didn't know if I should say good night to him when I was getting ready to sign off. I didn't. And I was a bit sad. Then as I was praying I fell asleep..I'm sorry Lord forgive me. But I woke up a few minutes after and the first that popped into my head was "Oh shit! ______!" I don't know why.. I finished my prayer and went back to sleep. And it wasn't a good night for my dog either. She was up all night crying and thank goodness my brother was still up taking care of her. I woke up again around 2 from her crying and whimpering and I thought it was time to wake up. And the first thing I thought of was him. Again at 5. And again when I woke up forreal. So I might like him. Or will soon enough. I don't think about someone that much unless they're worth my while. Unless I care. Unless they're important.

He might worth my while. I might care about him. He just might be important.